A l'impossible, nul n'est tenu/ One can't do the impossible

How to lose your grandmother

2010-04-18T22:30:00.000-04:00

How to lose your grandmother

My grandmother passed away this morning. I have not cried yet. I called home, heard my mom… and I knew. Oh the loss of a mother, it is a pain that no tears can wash away.

She died this morning, I am far… I have been away a lot, while she has always been close, with prayers, letters, support and love.

She did love, loved with compassion, pride and passion. She loved all of us, everybody and was a sacrifice to our happiness. Her life was a gift to us, to the community. I thought about the chronology of her lifelong sacrifice: an education to my parents, support and shelter to different people and finally peace of mind.

Her house was always welcoming to everybody; and while she was alone to raise 4 children, she never refused to mentor or tutor anybody.

She was a mother, one that slapped with energy and tenderness; she was a father, financially prudent but crazy enough to invest all in her children.

Although she obsessed about society’s opinion, she was always her strongest judge, mixing pride and dignity with an overwhelming desire for justice and equity.

She was the quintessence of “country-bourgeois” (“bourgeoisie paysanne), with her beige suits, her fancy hats, her scarves and her missionary outlook of the world.

Oh the smell of her perfume when she was preparing in the mornings. I shared her bed, hard, tall, welcoming monuments during my childhood. I dreamt of the world in her warmth; I stole her Danish cookies (I indeed inherited of her love for sweets), run to her ample skirts to avoid punishment.

She wrote letters to us, letters to my brothers. Long letters, pages of advices and support that our frivolity made us ignore… and although we never answered, she never stopped writing them…

And her stories, how she knew everybody (in LaVallee), how she would be so popular, how she monopolized the phone, how she had hundreds of godsons and goddaughters, the names, the dates that her memories archived diligently – who is going to take over now that she is gone.

I have lost my childhood this morning – I have lost a mother. January’s earthquake had already destroyed my home (country) including all the places that furnished my memories. Life and cancer just took away the foundation of my past.

And while I am writing this, tears are coming… They will not last as I know that in her last days, my (grand) mother was happy. Our last conversation (although she could barely talk or answer), she asked why I was always away and said how much she missed me. But she smiled when I told her that she is and will always be my strength, my inspiration and my pride. She understood…

It is raining in Cayman

2010-04-15T19:16:00.002-04:00

Cayman is not Cayman when it rains. Gray and windy, no sun, no sunrise, no sunset and the idea of the ocean is depressing. I am depressed today, feeling extremely lonely and this poor weather is not helping.

This is my first bad day in Cayman - bad day with terrible weather. I remember that The Best Man loves the rain. He said it is the best time to kiss and cuddle. I do not mind kissing and cuddling when it is chill and rainy. It also makes a good day for reading Agatha Christie's novels and listening to Michael Buble.

I have been feeling really lonely since I have been back. And I know that this sudden desire to go back to blogging is probably an indication that somewhere I need to voice myself. Many reasons can explain my new melancholy:

1) I miss The Best Man. I have spent more than a week with him. It felt right. And I was able to sleep with him close to me. I am starting to get used to having him in my bed. He is warm, so when it is hot, I sleep on the other side of the bed and when I am cold, I get close to him. We always end up being close to each other in the mornings. I miss him... I miss how he always has everything mapped. I miss how he doesn't get lost, how he can read a map and fix my computer problems. I miss how he talks with his hands, how he smiles when he tastes something good. I miss everything... flying with him, driving with him, him being impatient and upset and being so boyish.

2) I miss la familia. I miss my mom. I miss my grandma. She smiled at me on our last talk. She is going to die soon. Mom said that she does not open her eyes anymore. And I am missing her already. I miss my brothers, I miss my dad, my cousins. We had a great time together, praying together for my granma, discussing, eating. I am so proud of everybody and I miss them.

3) I am not busy enough. This is probably why I have so much time to miss The Best Man and my family. I am not busy enough at work - hardly finding chargeable hours this week since my engagement got pushed to next week. And also, I am not physically active enough. I went for a long walk yesterday, but I need to go back to my gym routine. I need my kickboxing cardio routine. I need my soccer practice. I need the beach, I need to cook. I am on recovery mode... not being energetic me.

So I decided to continue with this blog. It was time. I needed this... specially
after I couldn't remember my first conversation with The Best Man. I need my diary back.

First Date

2008-04-30T12:00:00.000-04:00

Guy (in the car) : There are kids waiting at the house. I'm sorry. Actually two are waiting for you to read them a bedtime story and tuck them in
Girl: No problem, do you have the book?
Guy: Yes
Girl: Good. Then no problem
Guy: Are you serious? You would really do that?
Girl: Sure, why not? There has to be a reason why you want help on our first date. If you didn't have a choice, I might as well help you.
Guy: Are you serious?
Girl: Sure. I would make fun of you later but I'm pretty sure that if I have to babysit on a first date, there's a good reason and that you will make it up to me another time.
Guy: Wow! I can't believe you are like that. Wow you're amazing
Girl: Thank you
At the house....
Guy: I'm going to cook right in front of you. You inspired the dish anyway. It's going to be salmong on top of chicken breast. I've been marinating the meat since this morning so it's just right
Girl: I've never been a muse before
Later that night....
Girl (looking as he cooks) : Wow this looks so good! I'm excited
Guy: Wow, you look happy
Girl: It's the little pleasures in life that make me happy
Later....
Girl: The thing is I'm the eldest in my family, I tend to make a lot of decisions regarding everything. In a relationship, I like when the guy takes the lead for once. Surprise me. Don't just do what I tell you to do. Make a decision for me from time to time
Guy: I understand
Later...
Guy: Your hair looks really nice. You should loc it
Girl: I thought about it but no... I like it like that, I can have it out when I want
Guy: You should loc it
Girl: No
Guy: You wold look really good. You should loc it
Girl: No
Guy: I used to have locs when I was younger
Girl: Good for you
Later....
Guy: Baby, are you spontaneous?
Girl: (why is he calling me baby) Yes I think so
Guy: Let's go to Mexico next week-end
Girl: No, I have too much going on. The end of the semester is coming up
Later...
Guy: I will have you hanging from the chandelier
Girl: Excuse me?
Guy: Yes, I bet you no one has ever freaked you like I can. You know a man wants a a woman that can stand next to him in public and a personal whore in the bedroom
Girl: (where have I heard this before?) Interesting...
Later....
Guy: I am this and I own that and I do that
Girl: Good for you! I'm surprised women are not throwing themselves at you
Guy: The chicken heads but special woman are hard to find
Girl: I see
Guy: I want you, I knewyou were different the minute I met you
Girl: (Seriously, I need a quarter for evertime I hear that) Interesting....
Later....
Guy: I like to host diners and parties and stuff
Girl: so you like to entertain?
Guy: yes
Girl: Good for you
Guy: I'm just telling you cuz I want you by my side when I throw events
Girl: (laughing) you're funny
Guy: No, I mean it. You're going to be my wife
Girl: Xcuse me?
Guy: Yes, you're going to be my wife. I can see it. We're going to accomplish a lot together
Girl: ( This is the first date right?)
Guy: Don't let my predictions scare you. Have you read the Secret?
Girl: I saw the movie.
Guy: let's be millionaires in two years
Girl: You can be a millionaire in two years
Guy: No us
Girl: Who said I wanted to be a millionaire? I just want to be happy. I don't need all of that
Guy: that's an interesting perspective
Later...
Guy: You'r sleepy, come sit next to me
Girl: (sleepy) No
Guy: Why not?
Girl: (sleppy) Cuz this is the first date and you want to marry me
Guy: Come next to me...
Girl: (sleepy) No. I want to sleep. I want to go home
Guy: (whispers)You can sleep here if you want
Girl: (sleepy and laughing) No (not a chance in hell)
Later...
Guy: Don't be scare of what I said. Irespect women and I won't push into anybody that doesn't want me around
Girl: Thank you a great everning, the food was delicious. Good night (walks away)
Guy: Good night

Girlfriend: Was it a good date?
Girl: It was interesting! I still can't stop laughing. I can't even make that shit up if I can....

Wha t do you think: Good Date? Bad Date?

Interesting - Man knows what he wants

2008-04-23T19:44:00.000-04:00

I am the kind of guy that your mother warned you about. But let's face it, we both know that you never listened to your mother anyways...

Well I have to admit that I'm getting bored of the usual dating scene with the beautiful/superficial women that only worry about their work and what sort of car they drive... So if you think you have a passion for life and an interest to share it than read-on!

Let's talk about my limits... Straight up!

Suga' daddy material: ...If you are looking for a piece of arm candy type-guy that can buy you everything and that will put up with your public tantrems so that you can get your way with everything - Save yourself the trouble now and press the little "back" arrow button at the top left of your screen. (I'M NOT YOUR DADDY! But there are lots of them for the picking though!)

Also...

"Bellboy" material: I am considered gentlemanly but I'm not interested in lugging around someone else's baggage, nor am I the type to sort through it with them! (So if you want someone to complain about your life; you might want to try Dr. Phil who will gladly fly you to his studio and put you up in a hotel just to listen to you! ...not me!)

Third-wheel material: I am always looking for new experiences (ever tried kayaking?). But I have my limits!!!
...Women with photos of them with their ex-boyfriend/husband still in them need not apply! (I am not interested in guys, nor do I want to be involved in your bedtime fettishes with any extra partners!)

Stalker material: If you want to stalk me down, pursue me and chase me around like in a James Bond car chase, go find a job with the paporatzie! (...They'll even pay you for your skills!)

Babysitter material: FO'GETTABOUDIT!!! FIND A BABYSITTER! I am not going to make friends with you so that you can convince me to become a slave-labour-diaper-changer/drool-wiper (...I don't change diapers or wipe pools of drool unless the baby is directly related to me!)

VD-Laboratory test subject material: Bar-mistresses! You know who you are! ...I do not want to be a victim for your VD testing and laboratory experiments! So if your daily exercise consists of, well... - and you continuously have a new exercise partners. (keep on bouncin', but not with me!)

So, if you're still reading this, and you think there might be a chance of some chemistry. Don't be shy to message me! (...I only bite when totally excited!)

~ Whether a glass is half-full or half-empty, there is always time for another ~

Random

2008-04-05T22:11:00.001-04:00

It took me a while to finish Edz entry but I did. Finally! I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying this new attitude of hers. I feel as though there's more light in your tone than ever! And I'm so happy. Which reminds me, don't jump the broom too soon my darling! I need a partner in crime when I go to Canada. I really like J. I think he has great influence and is treating Edz like she should be. One more thing, I never had bad posture. trust me, people think I'm much taller since I always stand straight and nowadays speaks my mind.
I'm not sure what I want to talk about today since it's a slow pacing week. Should be working on so many things but just really chilling. Should be studying, but again still chilling. Unlike Edz, I love my science fiction and I have been engrossed in some books that are keeping me away from my actual studies and even duties. The one thing that I am doing is actually looking for an internship high and low. I've been posting everywhere and it's driving me insane. I've even looked up ads in the newspaper. I'm also trying to get little tutoring positions. I made a mock up of fliers and going to post them anywhere I can this Friday. Wish me luck! As I mentioned before, keep your ears on the grapevine and let me know.

Other than that, I kind of ditched number 2 and I don't feel bad. Nothing in common. Mwen just poze. I've settled many times, this time around, not even going to try. Muah!

Thoughts at the end of March 2008

2008-03-31T14:31:00.000-04:00

Some little facts in my life:

I went to the gym on Saturday morning. The gym has been my tremplin since I came back to Ottawa. I do try to go at least 4 times a week. Saturday morning was good, I managed to burn 400 calories on the trendmill and just while I was about to do some weight-toning exercises, I fell on my partner (one of the big boss in the Ottawa EY Office). I was really surprised, first of all, because the YMCA where I go is a really unpretentious place- a lot of immigrants families come there, lot of kids, lot of unpretentious people . The equipments are sophisticated and the environment is well preserved, however, it does not have the snobbish cachet of these super-expensive-impressive gym club. Second, there is a super-impressive-expensive club just two blocks away and the partner with his salary of minimum $350,000 can certainly afford it. Needless to say, I was rather intimidated and I couldn't properly finish my exercices. I was really frustrated- specially I was not wearing any make-up, I was sweaty and my hair was horrible. I've always enjoyed and prefered the YMCA because of the relaxed atmosphere, I don't have to worry about any sophisticated members or personnels, I feel at ease- so at ease that I've always decided to continue with the family membership, while I could go to the super-impressive-expensive gym place at no cost (all reimbursable by work). So now that my partner is in the entourage, my fun is all gone. I could see that he was embarrassed also, probably for the opposite or same reasons.

It was thus a good opportunity for question some of my presomptions. I've been always intimidated by this partner since the first time I met him at a recruiting event. Ok, I had/have a big crush on him. He is quick and sharp and he is certainly the pure image of the man of my dreams (Smart, witty, athletic and charming--> but always focused on his business). But again, he is just human and meeting him on the gym in my unsophisticated environment, all sweaty and vulnerable, remind me that he was just someone like me. His unreachable appearance is just appearance! And I also thought that I'd rather been a "human" than with the "smart-witty-athletic-charming but unacessible man of my dreams".

That leads me to thinking about J., that I just met. Well, at first I was disappointed because he was not my brilliant-executive. But the more I get to know about him, I'm charmed by his unpretentious humanity. He is so kind and so refreshing. And I don't get it... I don't get how he can fit so well in my habits while I've known him for only 3 weeks. I don't get how I can miss him while he has never been in my life before. I don't understand how I can miss him while I've never had him before. And he is so unpretentious. His car is old and not clean. He doesn't talk about the complicated financial issues that I'm used to, he doesn't dream about making millions. I'm not saying he lacks ambitions, he doesn't, he is just simple and patient. Well, I've missed patience in my life. I've always been on the go and never realized that the paysage, the trip, the expectations are more important than the final destination. So here I am being patient, starting and expecting and enjoying and just living. No kisses yet! Just three meetings and long hours of conversations.Yes, we do talk a lot, long hours at night, in the middle of the night he will call and talk, tell me about anything and everything. He has been in the Dominican Republic for vacations since last Thursday and believe me, he has called me every night. It's weird and this is making me kind of uncomfortable to have someone wanting to be that close to me. I'm a skeptic and you can understand my reasons. In addition to being an auditor and having to maintain a questioning mind, my past experiences have taught me to be distrustful. This guy may be a fraud and if he is, he is certainly a good one. Come on!

A good fraud and let me give you a listing of all of his acts.
1. He wanted to accompany me to the museum on our second meetings even after telling me that he has never been to the museum and has no interests. He decided not to go playing pool or bowling and we walked to the museum to find out that they were going to close.
2. He took the bus right after work (from Montreal to Ottawa) to spend a couple of hours with me at my work social. He danced on the whiteys music (hard rock, punk, etc...)
3. He didn't kiss me or touch me improperly in front of my coworkers and has never suggested anything physical (but that's probably part of the game, right!)
3. He is always on time- always- ALWAYS and has always called me or show up whenever he said he was going to do it.
4. He has been calling me even though he is on vacations in the Dominican.
What if it is FRAUD! I'd rather keep my professional skepticism.

That got me thiking also about my previous men. Maybe I was looking for the bad ones. Maybe I was asking them for too much. Maybe I was not seeing the real persons in them. Maybe I wanted too much. Maybe I was to idealistic. And that's why I was always disappointed. But if I start with no expectation, I may be pleasantly surprised.

I know, it is a lot of thinking and I should stop and enjoy the ride. But you know me, I can't stop. I'm a Thinker...

So next in my thinking list is of course my family. Well, they have been behaving really nice (I'm really presomptuous) to accomodate our Majesty Edwine. My mom has been really silent and non-intrusive. Well, she has tried so much not to ask me about my outings (she has succeeded a couple of times). She has not bothered me about my eatings. But, she couldn't stop caring about my health. Unfortunately, I've been nourrishing this bad cold-flu-cough for a while and she is stressing a lot about it- asking me when I'm going to see a doctor, asking if she should book the appointment for me, and etc... I found this really annoying but again, I understand her. Our health is her main concern now specially after my bro's sickness. My grandma is with us now and I know it is sad to admit it but our relationships is degrading. Mostly my fault, probably her fault. She is really conventional and traditionalistic and she is using her old age to rule out any criticism and to be as judgemental as she could be. This totally angers my confrontational modernism and let-me-live-my-life attitudes. So, we have been avoiding each other emotionally - which is regrettable as we used to communicate a lot.

With my brother, it is a whole different story. His naked vulnerability has created strong linkages between him and the whole family. You know, he used to be so strong and so mysterious. But now, seeing him so weak, so fragile, we are realizing that he is just a kid. And I'm trying to be present for him as much as possible- getting him his favorite sweets, books magazines. Spending hours in bed near him, watching tv, talking to him. He is getting better, I guess, because now he knows that he will get better and he wants to get better.

My other brother was celebrating his 20th birthday on Saturday also. He wanted to make it BIG (Ok, rap style video big). This brings us to Saturday night! I was his DD (designated driver) for his night out at the club with his friends. Wow, my brother is popular. We went to the club ( a nice chic club with a young and trendy clientele)- he got VIP treatment - Champagne, etc... He didn't pay for anything. Everybody came to him to present their wishes like he was some kind of Godfather. And he had conversation for everybody. The crowd at the club was really young and at some point, I started to feel so old and I didn't want to intimidate my brother and his friend so I went to the second floor and sit near the balcony to be able to have a good view of the dance floor and the bar area. It was a great observation point and I did enjoy my findings. My brother and his friends had a lot of fun - that also included some white chicks coming and grinding against them (or more than that in my brother's case). I also met this Haitian guy at the club and he spent a long time next to me, we talked. He had a nice smile and wasn't bad looking at all. I was looking like a substitute teacher the whole time despite of my sexy jeans and red satin revealing top. MMM, I've been meeting Haitian men since I came back here and I'm not really sure about the whole experience specially after having intentionally avoided Haitian men for such a long time. Yeah, my brother is popular, he knows everybody- even the parking attendant (we didn't have to pay again). I had pizzas with his friends after the club and happily drove them home.

Sunday, my mom convinced me on going to church. I did go, I enjoyed my church time, I enjoyed the priest, up to the point he announced that he was going to leave for another position with the Diocese. I was and still is really upset. I only enjoying going to the church because I think this priest is chill and I enjoy his preaches. He doesn't give fancy examples but has a realistic approach and sense of humor. I think I'll have to find another church with a convenient priest- which means that I may try the Anglican church down the road. My parents might not like that- but, I don't really care. My faith is personal!

I think my life is all about search now, searching for the right man, searching for balance, searching for a career! Yeah, I should talk about this last point! I want to take on a new career. I do have many options now - I can go on pursuing another designation such as Business Valuation, Internal Audit, Forensic Accounting. I really want to register and start taking classes really soon and I'm liking being in Ottawa I do have more time to study after work now. So I should take advantage of this and I should do this now before the man, the house, the babies. So should I go for another business designation (and eventually capitalize on it) or should I finally take these writing classes (that I've been dreaming about). The choice is so hard!!! What do you think?

This is long, so long... I just have so much on my mind and I'm enjoying the down time at work to reflect and my chargeability is dropping!!!

So how are you doing with the gym? How many pounds have you lost so far? I do want to lose about 10 pounds before mid-may, just to be able to parade on a new bikini at the beach on my next vacations. Ohoh, also, J. is really addicted to the gym, he is such in a good shape, haaaaaawwwwwwwwwtttttttttt body, 6'5 tall, wow, so I'm super motivated and he is always impressed whenever I tell him that I burn more than 350 Calories... lol, so this is keeping me super motivated. I just hope that I could get over my digestive malfunctions for now... I'm eating good food but still eating a lot of bad food and still not being able to digest properly. It is so annoying! What about your posture? Hey remember, look up! Next time, I see you I want to see some improvements.

Hehehe, I'm happy! More relaxed than before. I think coming to Ottawa was such a great idea! I have so much free time for myself and for my family. I'm even finding time to read and watch my stupid shows. You shouldn't study too much! You should leave some time for yourself. Life is so damn too short, you know! Life deserves better than some crampled hours in a clautrosphobic chemistry lab.

I'm single... Seriously

2008-03-31T11:53:00.001-04:00

I thought that maybe we stopped blogging until I realized that Edz had been updating the page. How uplifting! I understand completely since I need to write again or else I will loose track of everything. So today, I'm writing in order to recount the past days where I realized that: 1. I learn something new everyday - i.e. the terms : Energy Vampires. 2. I am seriously single 3. Loosing your hair is a blessing compared to having cancer 4. Men get weirder with time WARNING: This listing is not made chronologically unfortunately. But it helps with the path of self-discovery that I'm on.

1. http://www.dumblittleman.com/2008/03/protect-yourself-against-energy.htmlI read this and understood completely why sometimes, there are people in my life that I don't like to have around me at all times. I was looking for something else when I typed in Dumb little man in my google browser but this really caught my attention. It reminded me of some people in my life who seem to have it all and yet manage to look like victims at all times. This thought has left me confused for quite some time now. When I read this, it made much more sense to me. I'm still looking for a term that describes the ones that ignore you when they have a bf until they reach a road block. Since I really cannot hold a grudge for shit, I'm still one of the lucky ones.

2. So this week-end, I had 2 dates. I can't beat you yet Edz! But I'm managing. Date number one was Friday night. Just lovely! After having the whole crew (surprise, surprise) at the house, my date picked me up and we went to dinner. first let give a quick data inspection to this mystery X:
Sex : Male
Age : 27
Marital Status : Single, but has been engaged before
Military Status : Veteran
Occupation: Chef, but working in something else
Glasses : Yes
Height : 5' 9"
Built: Not Bad
Type: Emotional, Seriously looking for someone to love
Chances of Relationship: Under Consideration
Chances of Getting Any: Slim
Since he was a chef, I expected that he would either cook for me or take me to a nice restaurant. Which he did. We went to NY where we had the most incredible Italian food and the most fabulous wine that I ever had. Needless to say we finished a bottle and I was pretty sleepy by the end of dinner. I always get sleepy when I'm completely buzzed. So walking back to the car, we passed by this club and I hear some Haitian music. He told me the name of the club and I checked the band. T-Vice was playing and there wasn't any crowd outside: can you say miracle? My date who obviously didn't want our encounter to end invited me in and we went dancing. I had a blast and he snuggled very close when he could. About an hour later though, I got tired and off we went home where I got a kiss on the forehead.

Next up, mystery man 2:
Sex : Male
Age : 23
Marital Status : Single
Military Status : None
Occupation: Rental Company representative
Glasses : No
Height : 6' 2"
Built: Excellent
Type: Loves himself, Thinks he's seriously funny, Very very talkative
Chances of Relationship: Slim
Chances of Getting Any: None
This one was met at a club recently (I know! I don't do that but it was a good night) and I thought a very crowded ambiance would be nice. I took him to a housewarming party that my friend was throwing. I thought it would be fun, specially I didn't want to be a third wheel there and I could get everybody's opinion. first off, I picked him up and went to my cousin's house to get my makeup done (we know that was also done in the name of observation) She was not impressed and neither was my aunt who came in later. The question people keep asking me is where do I get these guys? lol. Moving on. Next stop, party! He made his best to be charming and had so many jokes. I thought some of them were inappropriate and a little weird and at times a little loud. The reviews were very good. Except J who was seeing my point, the rest deemed him good looking and a very good character. Interesting.... Last stop, his house. Not so much his house, as his room in the house. But who am I to talk? He's independent, paying rent and making a name for himself. All good traits. I kind of got my self into trouble because during our conversation on the way back, I told him that since I drive so much I sometimes put my feet on the dashboard to entertain myself. Which I demonstrated. Which made his other leg go into motion, which resulted in him putting the moves on me seriously when we got to his place. No worries, I walked away without a scratch. Interesting evening indeed....
Here's to me and my single life!

3. I lost some my hair a last week and I was devastated. After Icalmed down, I realized that I'm blessed with more hair, beautiful friends that are here for me no matter what and a great family and landlady. Most importantly, I'm not sick and I'm ok. The thing I guess is that the self image is the most vulnerable place a woamn can be attacked. It's already bad enough I have a problem with my weight but to loose my hair as well? Too much! but the reality check is that there are way worse shit in the world out there. I got over myself...

4. At this point, my theory is that men are slowing loosing their traditional role in this world. In fact, they don't even know hwat their role is suppose to be anymore. As a result, they have become these creatures with overly sensitive egos that rend them worse us when we're pmsing. Does that make any sense? On this note, I think I might be single for a long time. I'm considering investing in a Rabbit. No lie.

These have been my rantings for today. Ciao and tty soon!

3 rencontres

2008-03-19T16:55:00.000-04:00

Vendredi soir, il est temps de renouer les liens avec le camerounais. Notre relation de cinq annees demandaient des defoulements. Comme d'habitude, il voulait aller au cine. Je crois que pour lui, l'idee d'une sortie est etroitement liee a un ecran geant et a une salle bondee. Je le laissai choisir le film, Vantage Point. Il etait en retard de dix minutes. Il est toujours en retard de dix minutes. Il est arrive, empaquete de son manteau Pharm Boy, de son jean bouffant Enyce et il portait une tuque rouge. Dans ma tete, l'image d'un "marchand Sara" fit surface. Je masque mon inappreciation avec un mot de bienvenue. Finalement, je ne t'ai pas vu depuis 2 ans. Mais non, me dit-t'il, mielleux et souriant, mais non. Il me devisage avec appreciation, son regard s'arrete sur mes fesses arrondies dans le jean etroit, mon manteau de parachutiste et mes tresses-dreads. Il paie pour les billets de cinema. Mmm, pour une fois, je souris. Le film va bientot commencer, on se dirige dans la salle en parlant. Il sent bon, frais. J'aime les hommes qui sentent bon. Il a de beaux yeux, il a un beau sourire. J'ose enlever la tuque pour decouvrir un debut de rasta-head. I'm not impressed. C'est son reve d'avoir des cheveux de Bob Marley. C'est mon reve de ne pas sortir avec un homme a la Bob Marley. Il comprend mon desappointement. Tu n'aimes pas mes cheveux. Non! Tu me critiques toujours. Avant tu pensais que j'etais trop fort, trop grand, trop muscle. La, ce sont mes cheveux que tu n'aimes pas. Je ne repons pas, il est tombe juste. Je suis une fervente critique de sa personne... Le film commence, il me prend la main, me sourit, il presse ma main. Ses mains sont chaudes et caressantes. Je ne retire pas les miennes, je le laisse faire. Nous regardons le film... Une suite de scenes deconstruites- disons la meme scene repetee selon le point de vue des differents protagonistes. Je ne suis pas trop enchantee, ni impressionnee. Le film se termine, il me serre dans ses bras, me ramene a ma voiture et s'en va. Je rentre chez moi... Je sais deja, qu'il nous prendra une autre annee avant de recommencer. Notre histoire est une suite inachevee. Je ne comprends pas et refuse de comprendre apres tant d'annees.

Samedi soir, je suis impatiente, il devait m'appeler vers sept heures pour me dire qu'il etait arrive a Ottawa. Comme par hasard, (le hasard fait bien les choses), je suis en ligne. Le voila en ligne aussi. Il est a Ottawa, sa voiture est restee coincee dans la neige. Il a du faire des manoeuvres pour l'enlever. Les gens dans la rue l'ont aide. Ils sont bien gentils a Ottawa. Nous allons nous rencontrer a 9h, pour un verre, et peut-etre apres, clubber, pourquoi pas! Je prends une douche, je me mets des lotions partout, mes jeans serres et mon nouveau gilet noir super sexy. Je porte ma nouvelle chaine avec une boule felee en pendentif. Je m'installe dans ma Ford et je conduis a notre place de rencontre. J'arrive a l'heure. Je me gare et l'attends. Il m'appelle pour me dire qu'il aura 2 minutes de retard. Il se pointe dans exactement 2 minutes. J'apprecie sa punctualite.

Mmm, je reste detachee en attendant qu'il descende de sa voiture. J'ai appris a ne pas avoir des presomptions, j'ai trop peur des deceptions. Il est grand, tres grand. Il est habille comme un teen-ager, jean un peu rape, un maillot un peu serre. Il a un beau corps et une assurance que j'admire. Il a un corps athletique. Cote visage, pas pire! Je n'ai pas cette envie de m'enfuir, je ne ressens pas cette panique qui m'a deja abordee a maintes occasions. Je suis calme, je me dis, pourquoi pas. Il n'a pas la tete de mon dream-executive-man, mais on ne sait jamais. Il sourit et m'ouvre la porte de la voiture. Descends, allons prendre un verre. Son parfum m'envahit. Ce n'est pas un parfum pretentieux, pas Givenchy, pas Dior... peut-etre Boss. Juste Moderne et confortable. Il me laisse les avances... Il sourit encore... La conversation s'amorce facilement. C'est une conversation simple, sur les amis, la famille, les parents, les traditions haitiennes. Nous passons du francais, au creole, a l'anglais sans trop de difficulte. Je n'ai pas a reflechir a la grammaire en lui parlant, ca coule. Mais il parle beacoup plus, il sourit aussi. Ses yeux ne quittent pas mes yeux et ma bouche aussi. Deux heures passent, nous parlons sans nous arreter. Je ne sais pas d'ou vient cette familiarite. Il est temps de partir. J'ai decide que c'etait mieux de rentrer chez moi. J'ai un peu peur de ce que cette etrange familiarite peut entrainer. La patience est une vertu que je veux cultiver en 2008. Nous avons quand meme decider de nous rencontrer le lendemain. C'est imperatif. Il est curieux, moi aussi. Je rentre chez moi - un sourire large recouvre mes levres.

Dimanche matin, je me reveille a 10h, je m'impose une heure au gym. Je dois rencontrer Bostwana a 12h15. Il appelle pour confirmer pendant que je fais mes stretchs. Sa voix est un peu confuse, il n'arrive pas a s'accorder sur la meilleure place pour notre rencontre. Finalement, il propose qq chose. Je rentre, prends une douche et arrive a notre lieu de rencontre avec un retard de 10 minutes. Il m'attend. Il me tend la main. J'ai deja envie de rentrer chez moi. Je me maudis d'avoir porte mon t-shirt chance. Bostwana est petit, maigrichon. Il a des yeux intelligents, un sourire humble et il ne sent pas bon. Il sent la sueur, je devine qu'il a pris le bus et marche pour me rejoindre. Il confirme ceci en me disant qu'il n'a pas de voiture. Sa voix est basse. Je me surprends a ne pas aimer la couleur de sa peau, a penser qu'il est chetif. Je me punis en mordant mes levres. Il ne faut pas que j'oublie mes resolutions. Tout d'un coup, je le reconnais, c'est l'homme "Des dieux sont tombes sur la tete", un Bushmen enchante par la civilisation.
J'entame la conversation, il me faut beaucoup d'attention pour capter sa voix et dechiffrer son accent. Nous avons decide d'aller prendre notre lunch ensemble. Je creve de faim apres mon heure au gym. Je conduis au East Side qui est proche. Il a l'air etranger dans le decors, comme un enfant que son pere emmene pour la premiere fois au bureau. Il est assis sagement, etudie le menu avec beaucoup d'attention. Son regard vole des surfaces de mon visage, de ma peau. Je mene la conversation, je lui pose des questions sur sa famille, sur le Bostwana, sur ses etudes, son travail. Je conduis une entrevue d'embauche. Il est nerveux, ses mains tremblent et sa voix deja assez basse diminue d'intonation. J'echappe un baillement. Je me concentre sur mon repas, une salade avec un morceau de poulet roti. Le repas est beaucoup plus epice et interessant que mon ami. Je termine vite et reclame la note. Il veut payer, je le laisse. Il lui faut ce geste pour retrouver sa masculinite. Je retrouve un sourire en pensant a tous les livres que je vais acheter a Chapters, je suis aussi heureuse de me debarasser de lui. Il comprend le fosse qui nous separe, j'ai detruit ses espoirs avec un froncement de sourcils. La verite est liberatrice. Il veut m'accompagner a Chapters, je l'avertis que ne serai interessee que par les livres. Il peut venir s'il veut, mais il doit savoir que mon attention ne s'attardera pas sur sa personne. Je pense a l'ironie de la situation. Si Bostwana possedait le corps et le charme de mon ami de samedi soir, cela aurait ete super. Mais le monde est imparfait et en imparfaite personne, je n'ai pas envie d'accepter les imperfections de Bostwana. En imparfaite personne, je prefere rever a ma future rencontre.

Les devoirs d'une femme

2008-03-09T14:14:00.001-04:00

One of the things that I don't like about being at home is that I'm second woman in line in the house after my mom. Which means that when my mom is absent, I'm in charge. If she had to cook, I have to cook. If she had to do laundry, I have to do laundry. If our house is not clean, it is my responsibility. The logics of this implicit rule are inavoidable. Whether I like it or don't like it, at some point, I'll have to take actions, do the groceries, cook for my bros and my grandma, take care of the dirty dishes.

In Toronto, I enjoyed the freedom of having no responsibility, having nobody to care for except myself. And myself was definitely not too difficult to please. Pita and hummus for the whole day. Sushi for diner with seafood pancake. Et voila! At home, I need to think about elaborating some complicating, greasy Haitian dishes that will satisfy my bros and my dad insatiable appetite. In addition, my mom being the perfect cook, makes it really challenging for me to impress the mass.

Today is no exception. While I wanted to vegetate in bed and nourish my blog ideas, I have to cook for la familia. It is my duty. It is my role. I'm the woman of the house and everybody is waiting for me. I'm definitely annoyed but there is no possibility of avoidance. This is scary! I'm starting to have doubt about my abilities to be the perfect wife and mother.

I will cook, clean and please everybody. I will also look for apartments while seasoning the meat and dream about moving out in the near future...

One week after Toronto

2008-03-08T20:55:00.000-05:00

One week after Toronto,
Snow storm in Ottawa,
I'm laying on the couch,
Watching Dave Chappelle's Season 2, Episode 8.
Toronto is so far!
I have no reminescence of Bloor/Yonge.
No memories of my late nights.
Friends, Coworkers, meeting of a minute, thoughts of a day.
My memory is blank!

One week after Toronto,
I put the drawings on the wall.
They don't look the same,
Les caricatures d'Edwine.
I don't feel the same!
It is a different Edwine in Ottawa.

Edwine with no feelings,
Edwine with no intentions,
Edwine with no emotions,
Edwine with good concealer...
Edwine who doesn't really know
But can play the part,
And smile, laugh, look happy
And depressed because of a snow storm.

Do I miss Toronto?
I don't know yet.
I'll give it another week and decide on my feelings.

Blood

2008-01-18T23:49:00.000-05:00

I went to the movie with train’ guy today.

We went to see “There will be blood”

Deeply immersed in the movie

Intense character with so much anger

I was scared to identify many of his traits

In my irrationality.

I want to be a better person in 2008.

Not like him!

Was it a date tonight?

I still don’t know… I’m intrigued.

It’s different.

BerryD.

2008-01-16T23:25:00.001-05:00

I got my new blackberry today,

Excitement, excitement, disappointment

Phone got transferred automatically to BerryD.

And Missed calls, lost calls, lost contacts.

Tried to send thousand of sms.

Didn’t succeed at all…

Lost hours trying to get it.

Didn’t get it!

My format is all screwed up.

Such a stranger, such a loser with the device.

I want my old phone back, but I’m stuck with a 3-year contract,

And stuck with Appearance.

I have to learn quick how to use my BerryD.

BerryD. for Berry - Dwin…

Excitement is gone!

Welcome frustration!

I should learn how to post to my blog using BerryD.

That will be helpful.

Another day at work

2008-01-15T14:47:00.001-05:00

Another day at work! Nothing unusual to report. Apparently the partner was supposed to review my sections- so I spent hours cleaning everything, adding procedures, importing proper documentation. Of course, he didn’t review anything today and of course, I had to correct these memos again.

Other than that, I went to my Toastmasters Meeting and really enjoyed it, again. I do enjoy the Meeting and I’m looking forward to finding a good/compensating club in Ottawa. I was wearing my new shoes and they looked ridiculous. I felt ridiculous… but I didn’t care at all.

My friend is back from Africa! Married! How bizarre! How ironic! He lost a couple of pounds, he didn’t look enthusiastic… older… Suddently, not interesting at all.

I finally have an official date with Train Man. This is probably why I feel so excited. He said he couldn’t wait to meet me again. I said: Likewise! That’s probably why I’m smiling now… Of course, two glasses of wine helped significantly!

En route pour Toronto

2008-01-14T18:20:00.000-05:00

Je suis dans le train en route pour Toronto, en premiere classe. VIA1 est a moitie vide, j’ai donc assez d’espaces pour m’etaler, ouvrir mon sac, enlever mon chandail et meme oser une visite sur Lavalife.

J’ai travaille aussi, il le fallait, juste par politesse, par devoir. Le travail est un devoir paye. Mon boss etait en ligne et pas de bonne humeur. J’ai compris. Il a compris aussi qu’il etait inutile de passer sa frustration sur mes nerfs fatigues. Je n’ai meme pas besoin de me rendre au bureau a mon arrivee. Cependant, demain, l’associe veut reviser les sections difficiles, mes sections. C’est pourtant le bordel avec le nouveau systeme. Je sais deja que demain va etre une journee assez difficile.

My life is becoming harder. It’s not a big mess like before. I’m not as confused as before! The road is so straight, so difficult, so challenging and there is no way I can give up now. C’est une route a sens unique, pas moyen de faire un detour, de se facher et de dire “Fuck it”! je m’en retourne. Pas moyen! Il faut continuer…

I thought it would be easier. First, family… my parents not in a good health. Alain being so sick and it scared me! I cried so much but nobody knew. I just couldn’t help it… Silent and absent tears! My bro is my soul and if I lose my soul, the world will become senseless. I love my bro and I don’t want him to be sick. I don’t like him that weak, that sad. I wish I could do more… I can’t! I’m helpless!

Work, work, so challenging! He failed last year and I don’t think that failure is an option again this year. As a result, more work for me. He is so meticulous, it is ridiculous. He rewrote all of my memos and asked me for every single space. What is the value of a double space when Alain is suffering. I shouldn’t care. I don’t care… I’m trying not to care, that’s it.

Les hommes de ma vie: je n’en ai pas! Je n’en ai plus. Ils disparaissent, ils s’evanouissent et je perds toute envie de les rattraper. I had my 50+ dates in 2007. I don’t really feel like dating in 2008. I don’t feel like doing anything. They are not different, all the same. Insecure, confusing, not strong enough… Des bebes, des salauds, des connards, des voyous! Je suis fatiguee un peu et je n’ai meme plus envie. I’ve been thinking that maybe I’m more attracted to women. It is a weird thought, my mom would die, my grandma too. But you never know! I’m more impressed by women than by men. I find my sisters more attractive intellectually, more consistent.

Je suis dans le train en route pour Toronto. Je pense encore a mes resolutions pour 2008. Ecrire chaque jour. Etre une meilleure personne. Comment etre meilleure? Je veux etre une meilleure soeur pour mes freres. I know I’ve done my best, mais parfois, j’ai ete egoiste, parfois, j’ai voulu garder le meilleur pour moi et parfois j’ai voulu etre la meilleure. Parfois, j’ai ete trop jalouse. I should stop. I should learn how to share with my brothers, how to give them the best, how to stop being angry at them. I love my brothers. They are amazing! So smart, so human. I love being their sister and I wish I could go home soon.

Le 1er de 2008

2008-01-13T20:17:00.001-05:00

I don’t feel like writing… writing is a proof of existence and decadence. I’m in decadence. I don’t know when it starts, I don’t know when it ends, I know it exists. I know I exists, but I would prefer not to talk about it.
Je ne sais pas, je n’ai jamais su comment me renier ou ne pas etre.
I have resolution for 2008. Nothing new, nothing unusual. I want to be a better person in 2008. Better! It’s all relative. I was free in 2007 and freedom is just freedom, freedom can be sad, freedom can be depressing, freedom is always lonely.
I’m at home, I drove early this morning. I arrived and my dad prepared me lunch. My mom was in her kitchen, seasoning her meat. She is so complacent in her role. It defines her… I couldn’t imagine my mom without her kitchen odour.
My brother stayed in his room. He is still sick… he looked better… he acted like himself- so not-affectionate.
It’s hard to write another blog after such a long time. I’m disappointed with myself. Quite disappointed. I should have written more, I should hve said it all. I shold have posted for humanity, for my sanity. I should have told it all.
What happened during these last 5 months? I don’t know. I forgot… I didn’t exist. I didn’t write.
I have another resolution for 2008. I want to write more.
I want to write more and be a better person.

BS from work!

2007-11-28T13:04:00.001-05:00

I was really pissed off today when my manager told me that he thought that it would cost too much to fly me to Montreal, pay for my hotel and my taxis so I can just do required testing at the client’s site. He suggested that another staff (his protege) goes to do it. Apparently, this guy knows Montreal really well and apparently the expenses are going to be less. He did forget that Protege doesn’t speak French and has no knowledge of what the test is about.
I gently agreed with his proposition and sent him the requested e-mail. And after, I spent two hours looking for other jobs and I applied for two interesting postings. I think I’m serioulsy getting tired with this BS.

The Primary Indicators

2007-09-08T15:35:00.000-04:00

I'm becoming a Primary Indicator ID expert. After writing so many SOA and UFE cases, the opposite would have been horrifying. I have one week left- one week to attain the Competent level at Level 1, Level 2, Level 3 for my exam. There is no overwhelming stress, no sweating at getting a Reaching Competent while with an additional phrase, I could be Competent.

So what about the Primary Indicator? What is it? An indicator, a goal, an objective, an assumption. It is the direction: Candidate discusses several accounting issues and quantifies the adjustments to the net income. Candidate concludes on the findings. Thus, the Primary Indicator tells you what to do and how to do it.

As I have been discussing Primary Indicators for the last 4 months, I couldn't help applying the concept to my daily life. Questions have started popping in my head about the use and the efficiency of these specific directives.

Events

2007-08-23T17:35:00.000-04:00

Avec le temps tout s'en va... c'est trop vrai. Je me sens deja mieux, les evenements ont l'importance que nous leur donnons.

-------------

Two weird events

One: I should stop complaining that I never win anything. I spontaneously entered the drawing ticket event at for for "heaven's rehearsal" and apparently I won a pair of tickets. I didn't really have any idea about the show, I just entered to see if I was going to win. Well, well, well, I won!
The show is a christian celebration for God. WOW!!! No wonder that I won. Show is on September 15, at the ACC- just before my exam... I know, I will definetly not be able to make it. Such a shame!

Two: I was waiting for the streetcar this morning, completely lost in my thoughts. A roller-blade dude was going by and returned to asked me if there is any chance that he could see me again. I thought for 2-3-4-5 seconds and answered: No. He left and I smiled. He made my day. That was enough... no need to complicate my life more.

2007-08-03T20:32:00.000-04:00

I'm trying not to think right now...
I just want to live and I'm living.
Is that allowed?
Not thinking
And living?

The Friend

2007-07-28T12:02:00.000-04:00

I went out with C. last night to play pool with his friend.
At first sight, the idea seemed to be a risky one.
I didn't like C., nervous, shy, a little slow.
He tried to throw out a couple of jokes and failed miserably.
I was thinking about an "echappatoire"
so I could go back to my bed and Y. Queffelec's L'amour est fou.

It couldn't be that bad, I decided to act with professionalism.
God would certainly appreciate me being polite with a nice person.
And again was I thinking, you never know...

I didn't know! We went to pick up the Friend at his place.
Surprise, surprise...
The Friend was a personage of contradictions.
So different from C.
And there you go... the flirting, the staring, the smiling.
I was doing it all. And with no shame!
I needed to test my superpower specially after the sad news of the afternoon.
It works!!!

C. was sad and disappointed and lost all the games.
The Friend was winning all the way...
Sensual, soft-spoken, natural, player...
I was enjoying the game, but being careful.
Between what I want and what I need, there is an ocean.
This ocean is called reason... Yeah, I'm so f*** reasonable.

And thus, I let C. walked me home*, gave him an handshake
And smiled negatively when he asked if he was going to see me again.

(*before the friend asked me for my phone number- en catimini, and I gave it to him).

Nigerian Scam

2007-07-27T17:59:00.000-04:00

I just googled 'Nigerian scam". Wikipedia provided me with an integrated definition and description: types of scam, victims, advices, etc...
Reason for my search: I've been approached my many Nigerian men lately. My friend thinks that I've become a Nigerian magnet. Aww!!! So, it was good to know that they are professional scammers and how to avoid them. Minus 4.

Week is over... I have no plan this week-end which is exceptional. I need to rest and to take care of myself. I will read, rent a couple of movies that I've been dying to watch and sleep. Hopefully, I'll get over my insomnia.

I was watching Dr. Phil and Maury - just for a couple of minutes. Geez, my life is so boring comparing to "them". This man (Maury) confessed to his wife that he cheated with 4 women more than 40 times in the last month. Wow! The women who slept with this man are crazy, the brother is no shit. Lol!!! Are they crazy!!! On Dr. Phil, a 24 year-old lured a dozen of couples over an adoption scam. All desperation! My life is definitely boring... I just have to worry about my accounting cases.

Ontario's McGuinty just increased $26M in spending for crime-fighting. Political decision--> future election. I'm curious about how this increase is going to decrease crime. More policemen, less crime???

I'm thinking that they should have a police for the criminal of the hearts, those liars-cheaters-assholes-jerks that cause so much desperation.

Last night was interesting! More materials!

How to become insensitive?

2007-07-25T16:37:00.000-04:00

As usual, I'm denying myself any feeling and emotion. I'm probably disgusted, disappointed, but only my friends know this part. 3 - 4 people know that my annoyed stare is just faux-semblant and a fragile cover up for my scratched sensitivity.

Q: How do you feel?
A: I'm fine, just really amuzed!
Q: What are you going to do?
A: What should I do? Probably have fun and continue to be happy.
Q: OMG, I can't believe this.
A: Well, I do believe it...

It is just pure detachment. One has to stop being human in order to mature. Anyways, I have no tears in my eyes. Don't ask me to cry! I don't cry. Why should I cry. I'm probably just upset. Ok, I'm a little upset. Upset enough, but it is just today. Tomorrow is another day and I'll get over it.

I want my tomorrow to make me insensitive. I want my tomorrow to teach me how not to care, how to overcome my swallowed rage. No explosion today- too tired for that. I'm too tired to ask questions and too lazy to find the answers.

Exam, Trips, Family, Friends

2007-07-19T21:58:00.000-04:00

In about 12 hours, I'll have the result of my exam. I can't say that I'm stressed. I don't feel anything, or I'm trying not to feel the pressure.

Last two weeks have been quite challenging and interesting. In fact, I've amplified my comprehension of humanity (and my persona). Each of these discoveries commands a special post that my lethargy is definitely denying. For now, I'll just throw half sentences and ideas in this blog-jungle.

Exam
Ok, took exam. I'm quite disappointed with my performance and extremely relieved that it's over. I've certainly done better than last year but again, I could have done better and better. I'm not fully succeeding in managing my stress and enhancing my abilities.

Trips
I went to Quebec City with Alta and Chris. It was a challenge, last-minute decision, quite unusual and charming. I should go back.
I took a plane for Washington DC to visit Manyouyou. Mostly spent time with my grandma and the kids. Family time, cooking, cleaning and just relaxing. I can be maternal and useful. Family was happy with me and I was happy with myself.
I bus-ed to New York after to join Meme. Good/Crazy days/nights. I allowed myself to decompress, to un-wind and rediscovered my wild side (of course with the exceptional-valuable help of a couple of drinks- I shall say that the drinks are stronger in NY than in Toronto).
I subway-ed to New Jersey and was picked up by Deo. Mmmmm, conical day and long, impatient "soupirs" and unexpected meeting.

Outside of Ottawa, Outside of Toronto, life lived. And I emptied my trash of suicidal thoughts and ideas. New air, new territories, new faces... the world was certainly not fidgeted in these 4 hours of cases writing.

Friendship
- I've spent a couple of days with two different friends and touched the vulnerability of one and the inabilities of the other.

Meme can be so strong and desperate at the same time. And she is beautiful in her incongruity. Hurt and passive! She is trying to make sense in the irrational mix of reality and men. When the heart has been broken and broken and broken and scotch-taped and crazy-glued, an infinite vibration causes irreparable destruction. Who to trust- Who to give- Who to smile to: when all you want to do is to trust/give/smile? Being is problematic specially when not has not been invented yet. But my friend is a good learner and she will find her way, her way to the house, the hubby and the stroller.

Kaz! Where to start? maybe there is no start, no beginning, just the continuity, just answers with no questions. Fear of existing, fear of being human, imperfect, weak... God is a coward, I agree. God mummified the truth and disappeared when she asked for direction. I didn't know what to answer, Yes and No are such imperfect answer. I didn't know how to be a good friend but I tried. I did my best not to frown at the clown, not to mock audacity. I don't know God! I don't even know how to write it... So maybe silence is the best idea.

Friends are friends. They are as imperfect as the weather, rainy, stormy, cloudy, sunny. I do love my friends.

Freakonomics: best book that I read this year. I was already addicted to the blog and I've enjoyed the book during my traveling. New thinkings deserve a post!

I'm reading "Stumbling on Happiness" now. It's heavier and I need time to digest the psychological findings and comments.

In about 11 hours, I'll have the result of my exam.

June 30, 2007- 6hpm

2007-06-30T17:57:00.000-04:00

I've managed not to write anything in my blog during the last three weeks. It's not that my life is empty and boring and annoying. Just that the thought of writing a case about myself after writing tons and tons of accounting cases freaked me out.

I've been busy with studying for SOA, taking classes, writing cases, reading the Handbooks. Seriously, it was a pain to be back at York U. and listened to the instructors. The first week was nerve-racking! The second week was even more overwhelming as one of the instructor was my university professor. It was like being the only fish in the tank. Last week was better as the instructors were funny and helpful. I've managed to make it til the end.

I've managed to get over back-stabbing on Thursday. Should I say back-stabbing? Not really sure! Ok, I'll just say that I discovered that trusting people doesnt mean that they have to trust you. It hurts so bad when you give your best to someone and you discover that this person is lying to you. As it is really hard for me to get to trust someone, it is also hard to accept the fact that I've been treated with dishonesty. My heart was in pain and I was mad with myself when I realized how sensitive I could be. It's OK now and I'm learning how to play the game.

Nothing too exciting except that I'm probably living the most important month of my life. I'm learning how to balance my life, juggling with multiple priorities: stressful exams, new relationship, family, friends and myself. In contradiction with last year, I've found out that patience is a better option. Taking it slow is a more intense/relaxing alternative. It does increase the level of expectation but it also decrease the possibility of making irreparable mistakes (I've learned from my January-February folies).

Tuesday is EXAM DAY. I do feel better about this exam now. I'm learning how to manage my stress. I know I can do it and I know I want to do it. Last year, I could probably do it, but I was doubting about my desire to do it. This year is different... I certainly know what I want and I'm willing to go the extra mile to get it... even if I have to stay quiet and not write blog.

The last hour

2007-06-07T21:40:00.000-04:00

Last hour of work today...
There will be more intense hour of studying.
I promise!
Because, I have to pass this damn exam.
I took the stairs once, twice, three, four, five, six times.
I just wanted to overcome my last hour of tying, modifying, financial statements.
I completed it... and I was gone...

I walked 20 minutes to Crush...
It wasn't what I was expecting it to be... too warm
Tesh. was waiting for me.
Simple, easy-going, relaxed, quiet.
We just talked , calm conversation.
Well balanced, matured.
And at the end, business cards were exchanged.
No need to say more now...

Watching "So you think you can dance"
With open mouth and wide eyes.
Harry surprised me with a breakdancing move last night...
What an intense personality! Un brasier! and his facial expressions...
His stories,... he made everything so colorful... even Timmins.
I have to find my "Hello Kitty Vibrator" now... just for collection.

Exam Mode

2007-06-03T21:53:00.000-04:00

I'm extremely tired even too tired to be depressed. Serge Lama's "Je suis malade" doesn't have any effect on my mind.

Another week, another week-end. I wasn't really aware of the time. Life is what is going on when you are sitting 40 hours for senior-auditor training and taking week-end classes for professional exams. Shit, I do have a life... and I'm living it... Except sometimes, you have to put your enthusiasm on standby and sit, listen, learn and figure out how to write cases so you don't fail your important exams.

Positive thing: I'm happy that I was in class all week-end long, even though I'm dead tired now. I have a better picture of this scary exam now and I know why I'm still not achieving "Competent". For once, money well spent.

I've decided that I should pass on my traveling plans this summer.
Reasons:
1) Family: my grandma is having a surgery and I should use this time to visit her. Seriously, I don't want to feel guilty after and have to think about her while having German sausages. London and Bonn will be there for a long time... my grandma years are counted, now.
2) Finance: Yep!!! I should be financially wise and stop using my line of credit.
3) Morale: Seriously, I'm tired, and I want to relax. Planning a trip and traveling is overwhelming and even more tiring. I don't need that trip now. I need to relax... I need to relax this year.
I've figured out that a reason for my failures last year was that I have taken too many initiatives at the same time. I was trying to get adjusted to my work, trying to pass difficult exams, trying to manage two difficult relationships at the same time, trying to be nice with my parents, trying to be the perfect friends, etc... I've decided to ease up my burden this year. One at a time.

Priority number one now is to pass these exams. I don't need to think about anything else. And I certainly don't want to invest myself or my time in a relationship now (for what it is worth). I just told D. about it and he was kind of upset, told me that I broke his heart. Sorry, my dear, bad timing! Come after my exams...

I know it's kind of sick but I'm obsessing about these exams. I'm already really stressed and nervous, with constant stomach and insomnia. So, I can't increase my overwhelming level of nervousness for no valid reason.

On another note, I went out for a couple of hours with Valerie on Saturday night. I know that was a crazy idea (specially since I had to write 2 cases on Sunday morning). We went to the bouncer's club. Of course, he was super nice and charming. Nonetheless, his charm is wasted on my boredom. Again, bad timing! I do want to keep in touch with him, I think he is genuinely an interesting person and I can learn from him.

I have so many things to learn. Crap!!! Exam mode, peeps. Be gentle!

Green Tea Latte with the Bouncer

2007-05-28T20:03:00.000-04:00

Sunday morning, it is about to pour, not really pouring, the rain is being shy.
I wake up early enough for church and yogurt. I can't start day the day without my regular yogurt.
10h30-Shower with my sexy-soap... back to my bedroom, naked... Naked!
And the Bouncer texted me: 11h30 @ XYZ.
Running late for church, texted back, I can't, church more important. What about 1h Y/B.
The pants, nice pants, I want to dress up today... God deserves this... and why not my sexy black top, reasonable "decollete".
Bouncer texted-back to me: See you in 1h.
Mmm, maybe I should wear my new gray shoes for church. Perfect...
Church hour, long, long, long. The choir is impressive, I'm fighting not to fall asleep. And the preacher and its Personal Pentecost!
The Offertory, I should give something... I should just in memory of the drinks, the vodka, the amaretto, the orange juice, the lime juice and the little piece of lemon. Put the $ bill in the holed envelope... they can't see how much I'm giving. Should I indicate that I want a tax receipt. It's deductible... Nope... I'd prefer to get the benefit from God.

12h05- Geez, phone is vibrating during the prayer... Bouncer: Where are you? Waiting for you...
Damn, this guy is slow... I text back, old lady looked at me in disgust... 1h pm @ Y/B. @ church now!
God, I need to pass this exam, seriously. You gotta help me through it. Don't want to go through this again.
12h10 - Bouncer back at me: 13h?
Me texting back: Yep!!! Treize heure.
Prayer is done and the preacher is giving us the final blessings. I got time to go home, put on some make ups, my jeans, my regular shoes and my beige jacket.

A suivre...

My Personal Pentecost

2007-05-27T12:26:00.000-04:00

Back from church, having croissant and cheese (quebec's brie) now. Today is cloudy and gray. I miss the sun outside.
I do have the sun outside. Shit, I just hurt my knee.
Ok, church was funny-serious. The preacher from Nigeria (more specifically Kaduna- North of Nigeria) talked about Pentecost and how we should find our personal Pentecost. It was really biblical and theological. Kind of different from the "mediatic" speeches that I usually listen to at St-Paul. I found that it's really hard for foreign preachers (mostly from the 3rd World) to be practical in their sermon. I was expecting him to talk about his works at the farm reconciling Christians and Muslims, talking about AIDS, life, etc... but he almost blurred me with that "Personal Pentecost" awakening. Ok, I tried to focus 2 minutes and it was "great" and really "abstract". Just like me trying to understand Plato.

Ok my Personal Pentecost: Am I fine? I guess so! I enjoy going to church. I feel like if I have time to eat, to date, to go drink with my friends, to read, to watch my foreign movies, to blog, I should have time for God. And this time with myself and God and my meditations is precious. So, I don't negotiate it. It's part of the deal: me taking care of myself. AMEN.

Week-end OK.

Friday afternoon-night I was with Igor's little sista JL. First time, I met her. I was her birthday and I was happy to be with her. She must feel really lonely. She is a hard cookie and she seriously needs to sweeten up. Life is not that complicated. She reminds me a lot of MC. We went to Tangerine and I was looking great, fabulous, awww!!! That silverish-gray top was definitely a great idea. Tangerine's music was modern-black-music and we danced. Cozy ambiance, relaxed, laid back. And sweet guy (I forgot how sweet they could be)! Lol... I know the night wouldn't have been a success if ... Fuck, I invested so much in that top... so payback time.

Saturday night, at Devil's with my girly after girlies pre-drinks and girlies chit-chat. We were both looking amazing. She is looking so beautiful. She is so happy and in love and I'm so happy to see that she has found some kind of balance. Wow, she was glowing from inside. Love does do her well. Devil's was crowed... all the bridezillas and their flirtings, kissing and etc... Ewww, bachelorettes parties. It was disturbing and Thal and I had some discussions about that. How can you be making out with other women and men when you are about to get married? Being drunk is definitely not an excuse. Ahahaha! Bouncer surprised me and dropped by to say hello and told me how fabulous I looked. Lol! This is exciting and I'm being so flirtatious.

Ok... Back to regular life and regular jeans and regular shoes. I'm definitely starving this morning. My personal pentecost should bring me food too. Definitely!

Friday morning

2007-05-25T09:48:00.000-04:00

Another week-end. I love week-ends, so much, desperately. Love is desperate.

My mom told me yesterday that 95% of the male population like blondes, she added that only 5% of the women are blonde. So I'm thinking that maybe I should become a blonde.
My mom told me also that 56% of the men like docile, shy women. And only 35% of them like controlling and strong women. She said I should stop being that independent and controlling and be a nice, docile, shy lady. I said sorry, Mom, it's too late for that now and reminded her that I can still manage the 35%. She said, OK, go for it.
My mom is amazing and I'm missing her so much. She always know how to make me laugh, how to cheer me up. She understands me the best.
She has been telling me lately to avoid Muslim men. I understand her concerns and share them. One of her friends just got married with a Muslim-African man, and seriously, the lady is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I feel so sorry for her. So I'll follow my mom advice to date only someone who shares my Christian beliefs. Definitely!!!

Ahahahah, the bouncer called and left his phone number. Ahahahah, his message was funny. Inviting me for tea or coffee. I noted the number on a post-it. Hopefully, I will remember to call back. Geez, this place was so expensive to get in but my money was worth it. Lol!!!

I've been feeling fabulous lately. I don't need a lot to be happy. Just need to know that my mommy loves me and that my daddy is proud of me and that my friends are reachable. Nothing more! I don't need a man, I don't need cheap romance. I haven't feel that good since a long time. I'm just in peace with myself now and I'm not willing to destroy my enthusiasm. Let it stay until September 15. Just for my exams. Please God!

Yesterday, I went shopping and I bought 2 nice tops. They were not sexy- revealing. But sexy-classy- chic, wow, I'm so excited. I feel good about my tops and I'll certainly wear them this week-end. While I was walking at the mall, this guy stopped me to offer me a job, he said I looked happy and confident and he was looking for happy confident persons. He said he is a recruiter for Primerica and gave me his phone number, just in case if I need a job or know someone who needs a job. I don't know what I did with the number. But that was funny!

Meme is back. I called her yesterday. She sounded a bit sad. Which is understandable. I would be destroyed if I lost my mom too. But I know she will be fine. She has this incredible strength and aura. She has this optimism and I know she will make the best of it. She has matured so much during the last couple of years. I found that in all of my friends, she is the one who knows how to live the best.

I got an email from MC. Another depressed one. She is not enjoying Costa Rica. I doubt she would enjoy being anywhere. I feel concerned about her. I feel like that I should be with her and just relax with her, have fun. She doesn't know how to have fun, how to chill. She is such a serious person. She feels empty! I do understand. As usual, I told her to fill up her life, told her that nobody can do it for her. But, she refuses to understand. She cares too much about society, about our Haitian qu'en dirat-on. Well, MC, do your stuff, let them talk!!! Please, be happy. Smile and consider each day as a blessing. You are blessed, smart, educated, promising future, great parents, good friends, foods, etc...

I think that to be happy, we should appreciate what we have and not think too much of what we don't have. Just take it one day at a time.

I haven't talked to Kaz for a long time. She has lost her phone. She is unreachable. I'm worried. My darling, I miss you!

A "Blan Mannan"

2007-05-23T14:28:00.000-04:00

My friend E. is definitely a Blan Mannan. Whenever, I think about him, I remember this history class lesson where they are describing the different classes of "whites colons" in Haiti. The "Blan mannan" were always the last ones. Criticized, insulted, ignored, with no class, no title, no money, they were only arrogant because of their pale pigmentation.

My dad adviced me not to mingle with "Blan Mannan". My mom told me that they were the worst. Ignorant but yet arrogant.

It's hard to have been educated in that highly classified society, where social standing is based on history and skin color. It's a challenge that I'm trying to overcome. However, "Blan mannan" do exist in my modern world. They are educated now. They dress nicely now. They talked just like the "nobles". But they still have no class...

------------
On the web about Blan Mannan:

Ezili Dantò's Note on the translationof "Blan Mannan: Different English equivalents for the pejorative term “Blan mannan” were put forward by the Haitians at HLLN including: “red neck,” “white trash,” “poor white,” “average farmer,” “pariah white.” And "indentured servants" and even “creole white” was put forward because, at one epoch in Haiti, the term "Creole" was also used to refer to all Europeans who were born or grew up in a colony. indentured servants is also another Another explanation offered was that when it's used in common language in Haiti "blan mannan" usually means "yon blan ki pa kenbe kòl; ki sankoutcha; k ap mache sal oswa chifonnen nan lari" - a white who's unkempt, arrogant, shameless.
Indentured Servants - Blan angaje: From a historical perspective, there is the perception the word mannan to related to “small, non-slave-owner whites” who would have reached the colony via indentured servitude. That is exactly why the African captive may have expected these whites to naturally empathize with their cause: the struggle against slave-owner colonists. However, the subtle and repressive colonial system prompted the "Blan mannan" to ignore similarities and focus on the privileges offered by skin color. Thus, since their social reality put them so close to the African captives, they had to profess to be staunch defenders of the colonial system, despising “sub-human” slaves. "Blan mannan" was not a word coined for gratuitous insults. It allowed for differentiation between white subgroups.

Chaque pays a le president qu'il merite

2007-05-22T21:58:00.000-04:00

Each country has the president that it deserves. My Mom.

Creature of ego

2007-05-21T09:57:00.000-04:00

We are all creatures of ego... We want to be worshipped, to be trusted, to be liked, to be loved, to be adored. It's all about flattering, caressing our minima-maxima persona.

I know about my ego. I've discovered how big it was during my teen-age years. I learned passionately how to kiss my ass. Yep, nobody can kiss your ass better than yourself. Nobody can tell you the lies that you want to hear better than your big mouth. That I know.

I'm having problem accepting other's ego. Call me a selfish person. It doesn't matter. I always had the feeling that my ego is bigger, more important, disproportionate and "in-force". So, I've avoided growing other egos. However, I'm discovering that it is a two-ways street. I need to be an ass-kisser... I need to flatter others in order to receive my duly recognition. So, I'm learning... learning about how to be nice, sweet, gentle... say all the right words.

WTF, is that post about?

REWIND
-----------------------------

It's long-week-end. Almost the end. End of my Monday morning. I'm supposed to meet DG for breakfast. He was so happy when I proposed that we do breakfast. I'm on a tight schedule as I have to meet my friend for a couple hours of case-writing.

Hehehe, I have 4 propositions for diner tonight. Not sure that I want to go with any of them. Not even sure that I want to have diner at all, talk, entertain, smile. I need the break, I need to relax.

I watched "The Sea Inside" last night. I cried. I haven't cried for a long time. Since E... I liked the movie. I'm pro-euthanasia. I've always been. I think we should be free to decide on how/when/where to die. I enjoy life. But I also think that suicide can be an act of bravery. Bravery, because, when you know it all, you decide to go to the unknown. Life is certainly worth living. But not for everyone. I understand. Anyways, we all die at the end... what is important is the timing.

I've always known that timing is everything in life. Give time time to take his time and be on time. Problem is that I'm too impatient. This morning is a good morning. I've had it back. Loser didn't destroy it all. I'm going to have my shower and use my "sexy" hand-made luxury soap.

I've been spoiling myself, too much. This ego flaterring situation has to stop. I got expensive soap, I got expensive cheese with sweet strawberries and an expensive bottle of wine. And no gym... Yeah, my ego is so inflated now.

Movies

2007-05-16T17:06:00.000-04:00

I've been extensively adding in my "seen-movies" list lately. As a matter of fact, I cut in my reading and added the extra-time to foreign movies watching. Additionally, as I'm trying to stay out of trouble (you can replace trouble with whatever you want), I found that I prefer to watch another movie instead of ...

So this post is about the movies that I've seen since the beginning of the year. I may have forgotten to mention a couple of them, but I'm keeping this list as future reference:

1) Dreamgirls: Just before my birthday!!! I was impressed by the song and by Jennifer Hudson impersonation. Plot was ok, a little flat. Frankly, happy endings are always flat. However, after the movie, I was so "in love", I went and bought the cd.

2) Pan's labyrinth: Another great movie for the year. The symbolism is breath-taking and the double scenario construction is about miracle and magic. I was able to connect with the actress (yeah, me being a princess).

3) Hannibal Rising: Demystification of the perfect murderer. I feel like that I can watch the Silence of the Lambs in peace now. He has motive, he is forgivable... and I can easily understand now.

4) Blood Diamong: Watched twice and each time with appreciation and expectation. I was impressed. Leo is a great actor, still my Leo from Titanic, so convincing in his role. I also found Desmond quite impressive. Bloody scenes were acceptable (coming from an agitated country). This movie will not change the world though and I will still get my diamond (whitout wondering where it comes from!).

5) The sweetest thing: Not a new movie but I never took the time to watch it before. I was in a romantic mood and I was fulfilled. Awww... and again the happy ending... Happily ever after!

6) Wuthering Heights: An adaptation of the classic by a French cineast. The movie was focused mostly on body parts and physical images. Of course no special effects and more emphasis was given to the development of the characters. A delice!!! I enjoyed although you might argue that the plot was slow and boooooooorrrrriiing.

7)The Last King of Scotland: Ohoh, Forrest Whitaker was HAWWWT in this one bb! He did such a good job and I couldn't quit him during the screening. The story (based on real personnage) is enchanting and of course I was able to connect the personage to my Haitian folks.

8) Breaking and Entering: Ok, I'm still thinking about this one. What was the point! What is the idea. Couple dealing with normal couple issues. A breaking, young thief, and dilemma. It was well done in the sense that you are left with your interrogations, forever.

9) Notes on a scandal: After, I decided that I will not finish alone. That poor lady was so desperate. They were both all desperate in the movie. The teacher going after her student. The student!!! Seriously, you never know what is behind a smile, a face, a nice old-lady starting a conversation with you. Just realize that my "observing people" hobby is an useless one.

10) The perfect stranger: So predictable. So cliche... Halle Berry was amazingly looking and Bruce Willis was my mysterious sweetheart as usual. Except that I probably read too many Agatha Christie and Alfred Hitchock books and this movie was kind of lame.

11) SpiderMan 3: Love Story! I wasn't impressed. Love doesn't make you fly and wants to save the world. Or maybe I've never been in love. Or maybe I didn't get it. Or maybe I'm becoming too old. Ok, I enjoyed the movie and Harry is a cutie (he is even with his half-burned face) but I couldn't remember anything after. Not a long lasting impression.

Next to come... whenever I feel like!

The perfect stranger

Completeness

2007-05-14T20:57:00.000-04:00

I met with with T. (from jkm) tonight.
Dressed up --- expensive blouse, fancy jeans and casual shoes (the comfy ones), make up, hair well done and fancy white wine.
He was late, about 5 minutes. He wasn't fancy, he didn't dress to impress. He looked tired and decided and he was really curious.
His eyes were everywhere. I felt like an animal in a golden cage. I didn't know where to hide, what to say, how to smile, how to talk. I was overshadowed.
Conversation was casual, but he was leading. Smiling, making jokes, bugging. He was doing what I usually do, and the whole time, I felt on the spot.
T is the founder and CEO of a growing think tank company. He doesn't look like that, he looks like the cute clown in the cubicle behind you that always know how to create trouble.
He asked questions, so many questions. Questions that I don't have ansers to, questions that I will never have answers to. And, he created the answers. He asked: What are you missing in your life? What area is not going well? I answered: Everything is perfect, family is great, work is challenging, friends are exceptional, but obviously if I can be meeting you I guess that my love/sentimental life is weak. I'm feeling incomplete. He asked why? I don't know the answer. I know that I have a lot of "admirateurs" but for some reasons, they are not enough and I'm feeling unfinished. He said, Myself,I'm missing something, I'm missing excitement, challenges in my career.
He needs new opportunities, new business ideas. I did understand him. I do enjoy having a challenges in my career, driven forces to accomplish more.
He said that he likes helping people. That is his excitement. He said, I'm helping you now. You go home and think about what you need to be complete.
And he left after a friendly handshake. He had a conference call with a client.
I'm confused!!! I just don't get it... this meeting is certainly not complete and suddenly, I'm so depressed and I want to cry. I feel like a kid, like I don't know anything at all.

Maman si tu savais...

2007-05-13T19:53:00.000-04:00

Mom, if you only knew...
If you knew,
My spirit has evaporated in the universe of pretenses.

Maman, si tu savais...
Si tu savais, que mes larmes se sont taries.
Si tu savais, que j'ai egare mes sentiments.
Si tu savais, que dans mes yeux, il n'y a qu'ironie.

Mom, if you only knew...
If you knew,
How much pain a soul can endure, my soul.

Maman, si tu savais...
Si tu savais combien d'hommes ont prefere m'embrasser
Au lieu de me consoler.
Si tu savais que leurs mains sales ont caresse mes seins.
Si tu savais, qu'ils ont oublie mon nom au reveil.

Mom, if only you knew...
If you knew,
That guilt was suicided by anger.

Maman, si tu savais...
Si tu savais que je ne mange pas a ma faim.
Si tu savais combien, j'ai mal aux os,
Combien j'ai mal aux pieds, aux genoux, au dos, partout.
Si tu savais que mon corps est devenue une ravine publique.

Mom, if only you knew...
How much money I have spent,
How many dreams I have destroyed.

Maman, si tu savais...
Si tu savais qu'a l'eglise, je me masturbe au confessional.
Si tu savais que je prefere le luxe confortable d'une Mercedes
Si tu savais que je seche mes cours pour jouer a la belle.
Si tu savais que je suis devenue chair et convoitise.

Mom, if you only knew...
What I have seen in their eyes,
What they have told me.

Maman, tu sais...
Je n'ai pas arrete de penser a toi.
Je jouis chaque fois en souriant a ton ombre.
Maman, si tu savais...
Je ne suis pas partie avec eux,
Je ne suis pas allee chez eux,
Je n'ai pas donne mon numero,
Je n'ai pas pas ete au cine,
Je n'ai pas mis mon top rouge,
Je n'ai pas fait mon maquillage,
Je suis restee seule, toute seule,
Parce que je t'aime.

Mom, if you only knew...
The temptations I've resisted,
I've resisted them, all.
Mom, you know... I know...

Wednesday

2007-05-09T22:24:00.000-04:00

At home, pj, hair undone, no make-up, no mark-up, listening to some Funky music, chilling. I'm enjoying my time alone-destressing.
Not that my day was that stressing, but, I've been feeling so tired in public/at work/during the day. Everything is like so heavy. So I do enjoy the time alone, doing nothing/ writing my blog/ thinking.

Thinking a lot lately. Exams in soon... one month and a half and I don't feel ready. I know I will never feel ready, but this time is the TIME and I will pass that exam. I met one of my mentors today, for a case-debriefing. I'm at "Reaching Competent" Level... I have everything to be competent except orders, orders in my thought and the finishing touch, the links to the link/the bias/the motives/the users. I did appreciate his thoughts and I'm going to consider them. Take this exam like an exam. Study for it! Plan for it!

I went to diner with Charles last night, sushis and after ice cream in the Village. It was a good night. I enjoy my conversations with Charles. He is so lively, so enthusiastic and it feels great to see the world with his eyes, to reconsider life non-materialistically. Just leave, breathe, think, don't think about the engagement, the manager, the rent, the client, the visa bills. Just live. While we were having ice cream in the Village, I caught this interesting conversation about love and dignity. I gotta write a post about this.

I went to the Bedford Academy this afternoon. I had diner with Tony and after we joined the French group for some chit-chat. The Academy is a really nice place, cozy, friendly environment. Conversation with Tony was easy. He is not a complicated person, but he is knowledgeable enough, he knows, but I have the feeling that he is not giving too much of himself. Yeah, he is like on his guards, which is ok with me, since I'm not attacking him at all. I'm being reserved and having a good time. I also enjoyed my conversations in French with some Francophones (sorry, I'm bad with names). It's a joy to know where how can go and practice my French. I will probably spend a lot of Wednesday nights at this location.

I'm still feeling like a princess. A blessed one! It is a good feeling.

2007-05-09T16:40:00.001-04:00

Need I say more about my state of mind?

I have a new place

2007-05-07T16:21:00.000-04:00

I have officially moved back to Jersey.... sort of. I will still be running around like I used to. Being a good niece, a good cousin and a good daughter. I will also keep the trend of doing something new whenever I can. I don't have a job anymore and it sucks..... a lot. But what can you do? Well, wherether's a will, there's a way. And of course, God will be there so.... I'm more calmed down then before. I have to see everything as a new beginning. But it does get hard sometimes. I wish Edz was coming for the summer so that we could take that road trip. I want to get away. I feel just like her right now. Go visit a new island while being broke. That's crazy but........ oh boy, would it be fun! I would so much love to go back to Paris or even visit England this time. That would be lovely......... Who knows? My mom wanted me to go back to Haiti for a little while, but....... I have this strange feeling. I want to go back, but not right now. Later.... Maybe when I'm fully healed. How about a tatto for a sign of rebellion? Lol......

Materially Poor

2007-05-04T22:38:00.000-04:00

I've decided it: I'm going to Costa Rica this summer!!! Definitely going.
I'm not sure how I will be able to afford it. But Fuck it. Whatever. If I can amazingly spend $1200 in 30 minutes just for some stupid... I can certainly pay $1500 for a trip in Costa Rica, with the beaches, time with one of my best friends and tension-free days. I do deserve it. Fuck it. I'll go to the travel agent next week and book the flight. I do deserve it. I do, I DO and I'm so sorry for my VISA, so sorry for my line of credit, so sorry for my ass. I'm going to Costa Rica.

I found out that I think about money a lot. Thinking about money too much!
And I realized that I'm too poor. I have no money. All my money is tied up (credit card bills, vacations, cars payments, insurance, rent, and dreams). I'm not liquid. I have no money. I'm not worth anything. Still, I'm going to Costa Rica. Fuck it!

Unfinished, unwritten, inexistant...

2007-05-02T19:18:00.000-04:00

I have not been finishing a lot of things lately. I didn't finish my post, French post, the meeting with Monsieur Canari. I haven't finished my unposted posts about the BBPA event (last post had so many gramatical mistakes), my dad visit, Meme's visit, movies (Pan's Labyrinth- Volver- Maria Full of Grace- Perfect stranger- Matador- etc..), shows (e-DENTITY, We will Rock You) and other meetings with C/C/A/T and many other interesting things. It is a shame, I wish I was more motivated to keep these memories alive through this blog.

I have not been finishing my food lately. It's like my appetite is dying. Probably stress--> exams. Probably a mild depression. I read today that depression/ bipolar/ schizophrenia disorders come from a genetic flaw. If it is true, it is probably on my mother's side. Sorry Mom, but you have been nourrishing this mild/light depression for a long time, this eternal search for insatisfaction and victimization. Seriously, I'm trying to get out of it, my efforts are conclusive but unfinished.

I have not finished my work. So hard to finish a section, finish an activity. I'm not motivated. I like the independence of working alone on the client with no direct supervision. However, so hard to finish my work.

A couple of times this week (last week also), I caught myself entering the elevator and waiting for it to move by itself. I didn't press my "floor" button. Yesterday, I waited for 2 minutes before I realized that I didn't push the button. It's quite distracting and certainly express the unfinished state of my thoughts.

I can't finish the letters that I started either. They are all in "draft" status. I write a line, a word and STOP. Most of the time, I delete entire sentences and the letter is reduced to a white blanket- mocking me. I need to clean my mails and finish these letters.

I went to buy a birthday card for Falk. I did't know which one to choose and I left the store with no cards. Falk's birthday is Friday and it is too late to get him a card. I feel bad. I should call him for his birthday and sing for him. I should learn how to sing Happy Birthday in German.

I realized that I was becoming blind and I finally went to the Optician to get my eyes examined. I had to choose new glasses. And I couldn't choose between two pairs. It's a good thing that they were having this promotion: 2 for the price of 1.

I started going to the gym. Intensive trendmill and a lot of stretching. But whenever I go, I can't sleep... too much adrenaline. It's a dilemma now between my sleep and my fitness or just me waking up early to go to the gym in the morning.

I want to change my blog template, something more urban, more creative. I found a nice template, perfect, but I was too lazy to change the codes. So, new blog skin is postponed, until...

I'm not keeping in touch with my friends. Not emailing, not calling, not chatting. I started telling a story to Kaz, many stories, they are all unfinished.

Seriously, I don't get it. Why is everything unfinished, unwritten in my life now? So scary... tends to a non-existence of facts, of ME.

A gala and a wedding party

2007-04-29T10:01:00.000-04:00

I went to the Black Business Professional Association gala event last night.
Nice dress, nice killer shoes, make up and even penciled eyes.
Expensive cab drive, and I was walking around well-dressed, perfurmed, emotionate people of my color. It was like going home for a celebration.
EY table with the ladies, partner and wife and clean-cut couple and the clown (upps, too tired, can't think about anything else- don't be mad if you are reading this).

GG- Michaelle, Premier Dalton, Mayor, they were all present. And of course, and of course, and of course, all the creme of la creme of Black population in Toronto and most importantly, all the goodies!!! And wearing suits and with nice-clean-haircut. Couldn't be more interesting! Except that I didn't do anything! Second nature, I eyed a couple, looked but just sat and appreciate. Look don't touch--- I can't believe it with the pain I had to endure with these shoes.

Many shows, zouk dance, drums, pearly smile and a speeches, long, long speeches to remember the public(as we have ever known), to reaffirm (as it was said before) that "Success run in our race!". Seriously... as a testament from the past, the present, the future, I didn't get it. And I thought about it long enough and I know now why I'm missing out. However, I do not intend to criticize the BBPA, to criticize the member of my race (yeah, it's the Black club). They have achieved so much in white-soil (considering the challenges, the obstacles). I am proud of them, delighted to were part of their celebrations and I do intend to get involved in the BBPA.

I could have done more, I could have had more. These awards event are always the best time for me to reflect on my accomplishments. Passion drives success! I'm questionning my passions at the moment. Do I have any? Am I achieving my passions? Am I working on them? I don't know! I'm not sure! The problem with passions is that they tend to evaporate with reason. And I'm learning "Reason" now. Yep, taking a class called: Reason 101: Learn how to live without question.

I remember my passions. I remember that they kept me awake, they kept me dreaming, they kept me smiling, they hurt me, they tortured me too. Passions destroy or create. I didn't know how to handle my passions and when they started to torture me, I jailed them, erased them, ignored them, deleted them. Why do you need passion when you have peace? Why?

Gala event was spectacular, flowers-table pink-silverish! We all look great! All look great. I was impressed. Except that I don't get why they chose to have a white-caterer (white food) in a Black gala. Ewwwwww!!! Think about it next year! I would have preferred "lambis or some smoked fish or jerk chicken or any other African dish!".

I didn't talk to Michaelle Jean--- my biggest regret for the night. I'm not sad though, I know I'll get to meet her and talk to her. She is my role model, an inspiration. She is so graceful, so "digne". And she certainly knows how to handle her passions, she knows how to make her voice heard, she knows how to deal with the clowns and the crowds. I have so many things to learn, I wish I can read a book and learn everything. But you learn by experience.

I've learned. "A dog remains a dog" or should I say "a clown remains a clown" even when the make-up is washed, even with a suit, even with a trim, even with the perfect watch. Just tranformed into a suited-dog, or a well-dressed clown, but still a clown or a dog.

Reason, I went back home, didn't stay for the Black-party. And there was a wedding party in the celebration room (apartment building). I opened the door to a guy, good-looking-smiling Indian and I asked can I come. He said of course, it's a wedding party. A wedding party with men-only. A gay wedding, perfect celebration of love. My guest introduced me to bride and groom who introduced me after to their guest. "Wedding crasher!" I got a special dance with the maid of honor with a pubic applause and recognition. Talked with all the guests. Smiling, welcoming!!! Wow! That was the night! That was the night! I forgot the killer shoes...

Church time............. follow up later...

Randomly

2007-04-23T14:18:00.000-04:00

My week starts, you know exactly the same way, you start your 10 year-old car and you expect it to start with the same sound of a "Corvette", but it just starts, slowly, strangely and you pray silently that it will start again tomorrow and the day after and the day after and you just can't resolve to get a new car, that Corvette.

I should stop having too much expectations, about things, people and nothing. I should just not have any expectation at all and just not hope at all and just not imagine how things should be or should not be and be just surprised when things turn out how they are.

I finished "Volver" on Saturday and a few episodes of Nip Tuck! Nip Tuck is becoming so predictable now. I need a new passion-show. It's like I've seen everything and none of the new one is able to attract me. I started "The death of Mr. Lavarescu", a Romanian movie. East Europe has just erupted in my life lately... don't know how, don't know why! I've realized that Romanian sounds a lot like Spanish and I wish I could understand it. Mr. Lavarescu is sick and he is an alcoholic. He will certainly die at the end of the movie, but I'm enjoying his agony. I'm enjoying being sadistic. Mr. Lavarescu is old and lonely. He doesn't have any family or they abandonned him because he drinks too much. He has three cats and the cats have fleas and smell bad. If I get lonely in my old years, I won't have any cat with me. Cats are just disgusting. I will have birds and dogs and a big fish-tank. But I'm thinking that with the dogs, I may have some trouble- picking up the poos, walking them in the morning- what if my back is not allowing me any effort, what if I can't go walk them. So, it's a lot of thoughts... and I'm thinking that I should probably save for a dog-walker.

I met Charles last night. We just talked for 1 hour 40 minutes. He had a lot to talk about: his passion for acting and writing. Reminds me of me when I was 13 and I was sure to be a Writer, the WRITER of the Century, and I was closing my eyes and dreaming that I could change the world or that I could be read everywhere. Sometimes, I visit that 13-year-old girl and take her hand for a long walk across reality and after I jail her in my memories. We don't need a troubled teen-age dreamer in our materialistic walls, right! Ok, back to Charles... he has so much fire and intensity, looks like he is not really living, so detached from the object-world. Serioulsy, seriously, I'm jealous... he just goes for his dreams... doesn't care about society, parents, age, personality, nothing. I wish sometimes I could stop caring.

Saturday, SOA session and after that BBPA gala diner. Of course, I need to be SEXY and CLASSY and BEAUTIFUL and SMILING and LOVEABLE. I brought my "Black Velours" dress from Ottawa, but I'm not sure that I will wear it. I have to try it first and decide. Buying a new dress would be the perfect option--- for my ego--- but not for my purse. So I'm going to be desperately wise and just wear my fourre... And of course I will be SEXY/CLASSY/BEAUTIFUL/SMILING/LOVEABLE. So, I'm on diet this week: no wings- no pizza (even the flat one). And everyday at 7h: Gym- Gym- Gym! Also, I will not take the elevator --- Again, you need to be SEXY/CLASSY/BEAUTIFUL/SMILING/LOVEABLE. So work it out!

I need to call my friend and tell her that Costa Rica might be a dead project. Of course, she is going to hate me. But again, I need to be reasonably wise with my finances. I'll probably go to the States for a Boston/New York/Washington tour. Or I'll just go to Florida, visit my grandpa... he has been waiting for me to come visit him since forever.

I miss my girl- Kaz so much! I miss her! I miss having a sister, just someone to talk and be sad with. I want to tell her that I found out something this week-end. I finally found out that I can let people go--- since I know now that not everybody is meant to be in my life. I can accept this fact now, just let them go, just let them be "wrong and think that they are right and that I'm wrong". I can let them go and be wrong.

I have no appetite, I haven't been able to have acceptable food since Friday. So, diet this week should be easy.

Take it slow.......

2007-04-23T14:11:00.000-04:00

I went to a John Legend concert last night. Me, myself and I. I bought the tickets a month ago. You see I can't wait for people to do things for me. To make me promises that will probabably not come true. I have to do things for myself, make myself happy. You see disappointment plays a big role in my life but I try to fight it with all my might. Anyway, back to the subject! John Legend. Cutie, sexy with an amazing voice. I actually listen to the song while thinking Damn! How do you meet a guy like that? I know it's not going to happen but I still wondered. It is part of the fantasy. Anyway, it was great. Corinne Bailey Rae was a guest star. This girl is so awesome. I thought of Doune when I saw her, so delicate, such an artist with an almost akward stance with a powerful voice. Wow. You know the weird part, it only hit me this morning that I went to the concert last night. I'm just realizing that I saw something incredible last night. Some of the songs I never heard but they were so beautiful. I want to get both of their CDs. If you don't have them, get them. They're true artists, they're not fake and they make the crowd sing.

On another note, I'm feeling so grumpy right now it's not even funny. I can't wait to go to Florida and hang with my guys. It's ridiculous sometimes but my guy just as much girlfriends as I do guy friends. It's ennerving sometimes for me. I deal with it but his friends are here but mine aren't so I have to reconnect to feel good. I wish my girls could be out with me. I miss Edz and I wish S would come out. Maybe M could come. I miss my girls. Also, I need to get the hell out of where I am so I need to be moving and fixing around. Oh well, I'm going to pray on it tonight.
Well at least, I have a highlight for the year and that's John......Sexy, cutie John.......Hmmmmmmmm

I wish he was singing to me right there.

2007-04-22T10:03:00.000-04:00

I'm disgusted/tired/angry with everything. Even with writing.

Thoughts for the day

2007-04-19T15:09:00.000-04:00

I'm talking to Edz right now and I wish I was her. She has drive, she's determined, she knows what she wants and she doesn't let anything get in her way: not even her parents. When I tell her how much of a beautiful woman she is, she never believes me. But I mean it, she is such an inspiration.
It's a shame that I'm such a scarredy cat. May be I'll cut all my hair off as a sign of rebellion. I'm cute, maybe I can pull it off. I'm feeling much better today. I'm actually floating a little. I feel I'm here but not really there. I have a boyfriend that I wonder how he ended up in my life and that I sometimes wonder for how long he wants to stick around. I'm looking at him sometimes from outside like it's not really me living this life. I'm still afraid so I'm still not believing. It's a shame......
There is a God so let my spirit fly high. I can make it through anything. I'm just an overly sensitive girl. But I always make it through..... So let's do this! lol.

2007-04-18T11:19:00.000-04:00

I finally have a smile on my face after a couple of days just because Edz' blog fast so funny. She is such a great writer, I felt her annoyance and her disgust accross the country! Lol.
As for me, I've been under a dark cloud for a couple of days now. To sum it up, I wanted to move out on my own and I can't anymore. Punto final. They pay for my school and my dad is diabetic so I don't need to agravate any situation. What upsetted me though was teh fact that my DAD came at me on sunday night and made me sound like the most irresponsable and insensitive person in the world. It's like I don't think, I don't see the overall consequences or the future. I felt so sad and so bad...... He made it sound like I was abandoning my bros, like I would never see them again or help them. I thought all fo these comments were uncalled for. And they hurt me.......I'm still feeling the backlash and I had a headache for two days. I didn't even want to talk. On monday I didn't even go to work because I felt so demoralized. I'm slowly getting back up but I still feel a little empty. Like I told A, I'm alive and that's it.
J gave me her ring today for support, she said it's to give me some good vibes for today. The ring says : "To thine ownself be true". I have good friends. I'm blessed. I wanted to talk to Edz though, I haven't seen that chick in days. Call me punk!

La rencontre

2007-04-13T15:59:00.000-04:00

Apres pleins de soupirs et de tiraillements, j'ai finalement fait mon maquillage, mis mes chaussures plates et mon jean pas du tout sexy et passe mon manteau comfortable pour aller rencontrer le canari. Il pleuvait, une pluie niaise et incertaine et encore une fois, j'ai regrette le confort de mon appartement et l'anonymat chaleureuse de mon laptop. Mais, le mal etait deja fait, juste traverser la rue pour rencontrer Monsieur Canari.

Il venait d'arriver et l'anticipation de la rencontre le rendait nerveux. Je n'etais pas nerveuse, pas du tout. Pas desappointee, mes soupirs et mes tiraillements m'avaient prepare au pire. Et le pire etait a ma vue. Monsieur Canari avait l'allure d'une hyene nevrosee. De petite taille, avec une petite tete et des dents en revolution, il s'etait endimanche dans une veste de velours cotele et des jeans Diesel juste assez etroit. Il m'offrit un sourire de conquerant quand je me suis presentee et me tendit une chaise avec une galanterie exageree. J'ai masque mon visage d'un sourire poli, sorti mon telephone de mon sac pour avoir un meilleur controle du temps, j'allais rester 30 minutes, juste le temps de trouver l'intonation ideale pour faire comprendre au canari (sans le blesser) que je prefererais que nos relations meurent apres cette rencontre forcee.

J'etais assise, toute raide sous ma chaise, souffrant de l'insistance de son regard et mon ennui evident avortait le depart de toute conversation. Il me demanda si j'etais contente de le rencontrer, enfin. Un hochement de tete plus reprobatif que positif lui repondit. Il m'affirma qu'il etait plus qu'heureux de me rencontrer apres ses deux emails vides et que je surpassais de beaucoup l'image mentale qu'il s'etait faite de ma gracieuse personne. Je n'osai pas intercepter le compliment. Il m'a offert une biere et j'ai choisi Corona, j'aurais du demander de l'eau, mais je ne voulais pas ajouter a sa deception.

Es tu satisfaite de ma personne, demanda t'il. Je fis semblant de ne pas comprendre la question. Pardon. Oui, que penses-tu de moi? Je souris, un sourire embarasse que je n'ai pas eu le temps de voiler. Tu es decue, je vois. Mais, il ne faut pas juger, pas du tout. Il faut prendre le temps de me connaitre et ainsi decouvrir mes qualites. Je ne dis rien, je priais pour que les minutes s'ecoulent aussi vite que possible. Je n'avais aucune envie de le connaitre mieux et j'avais deja oublie son nom des la premiere fois que mes yeux s'etaient arretes sur lui. Il ne plaisait pas et je n'avais nulle envie de "le connaitre mieux".

Il m'a interroge sur mes occupations, mon emploi, ma famille. Je repondais les questions machinalement, les yeux fixes sur l'heure. Les minutes passaient lentement et j'essayais de terminer ma biere aussi vite que possible. Quand il m'en proposa une autre, je refusai. Non, ce n'est pas la peine. Je m'en vais bientot, je suis fatiguee.

A suivre

Touch my face

2007-04-08T22:24:00.000-04:00

And again, another week, another week-end. Another celebration.
I didn't celebrate. I wasn't part of the big meal, I didn't taste the "lambis" (prepared by my mom), the barbecued chicken (prepared by Alain), the salad (prepared by my grandma), the cocktails (prepared by my dad). I wasn't with my family this year, and I didn't miss it.

Meme came for the week-end. It was great. We are old now, wiser, better, more tolerant, more perceptive. We know the value of these days spent together, just talking, just remembering, just watching Nip Tuck. We know how valuable it is to just forget the world and laugh, a good laugh, and gossip. Again, nothing new! Nothing has been invented or re-invented. Friendship is still friendship, comforting, quiet, and just friendship. I value my friends. I value that Meme came to visit me, she gave me time, she listened to me, she shared her thoughts. I value this and she probably saw better than me, she saw me and she understood that her silent presence was the best help for my decadence. Nothing said, nothing created. Just friendship. Thanks Meme for coming.

I need time. Time alone. I need to take a break, of everything. Specially work. Work is not making me happy. Not lately! I can't wait for June. I can't wait for motivation.

Tina got me to buy this book. "The Secret". Another $30 waisted. I should have bought Mitch Albom's book. There is no secret. I knew it all already. Nothing new. Laws of Attraction. Doesn't get me what I want. Doesn't get me the supreme knowledge. They should teach how to become insensitive, how not to feel, how not to react, how not to live. Meme told me that when she was in Italy, an old woman would touch her face because she thought Meme's blackness (our blackness) provides luck. We made the joke that if it was true, everybody in Africa would be rich, in good health and happy.

I went to church today. It was long! The choir, hopeless melodies, tiring. I didn't sleep. Almost. I was listening: "We are all creatures of faith". True, we all believe in something, and sometimes, that something is nothing. "The important question is: What/Who/Where do you put your faith?". That's my question to myself. I don't know where to put my faith. I don't know who to trust. There have been so many shadows and disappointments so far. I have a ghost-heart. I would prefer not to have any.

I went to have a tea with a friend on Friday night. New friend! He doesn't eat much. Not at all. Only cookies, raisin cookies, 6 for only $1.25 at Tim Hortons. You should get them and have them for breakfast. He eats one cookie at a time for lunch. And he goes to lunch at 11h30, maximum of $5 lunch. And he doesn't really eat after all. And he talked... about his mom, about his parents, about how people (Torontonians) are cold, they don't care, they live for money, they have no family values. A woman is a mother and should stay at home and care for her children. I liked the dreadlocks, I didn't like the cookies. I like eggs in the morning. I like big lunches, big diners.

Meme thinks that I eat a lot. D. told me that I have "baby fat". I should have gone to the gym this week-end. Even this afternoon. I should have gone instead of watching "Maria Full of Grace", but I didn't. I was lazy, I was tired and I was eating my fake too-sweet "Baba au Rhum". I will go tomorrow. I promise. Or the day after. Anytime. I have a few more greek pastries in my fridge. I will go to the gym when I'll be done with the pastries. I'm a size 3. I don't need the gym after all.

R's birthday yesterday. A's birthday today. I texted and called. Enough. I called R. and there was a silence. He doesn't have my answers. He didn't have them before, he will probably never have them. Meme asked me: what will you do when you will be 35 and still no answer. I didn't answer. I had no answer!

Meme is happy. She is glowing. She is beautiful. She has found herself. She used to be so agressive before, such a rebellious person. She has changed. She is nice now, she is compassionate and she understands now. I'm so proud of my friend. So proud to be the witness of their growth. I want to grow too. She said she is taller than me. She is, but the brown-pink boots helped. I miss her already. I miss myself too.

........................

2007-04-04T15:35:00.000-04:00

Doubt will make you do a lot of shit. Doubt will consume you and will force you to be a pessimist that you didn't think existed. is it possible that a guy can be genuine? can we always be honest? can you tell a person while they're talking to you that you still haven't learned to decipher the bullshit from the facts?
I am rambling right now for different reasons. The confusion and insecurity inside of me are spinning out of control. The pressure of time brings a cold sweat down my back. Have I really changed so much? One of my friends even told me I don't smile as much and I don't bring the sunshine I used to. Do responsabilities crush me so much that I lose myself? Whenever I get a glimpse of hope in certain things, something happens to me or to someone close that brings me right back to square one.
I'm not making any sense but I wanted to write and ramble........

Someone knows how to make me smile

2007-04-03T12:20:00.000-04:00

From Falk:

Minnie-Dwinnie!
Min-Dwin!
MD!
Little fluffy-head!
Tiny Ed!
LHPMD!
Cuddle-Dwin!
Smiledwine!
Dwine!
Creme-brûlée-Dwin!
Lovedwine!
Buffalo-Wings-Dwin!
Sunshine-Dwin!
Accounting-MD!
E&Y-Dwin!
Wonder-D!
Mythic-Dwyn!
Late-Night-Ed!
Beauty-Contest-Dwin(ner)!
Early-Morning-Dwin!
Afternoon-E!
Sadwine! :-(
Happy-Dwine! :-)
A-B-C-D-winnie!
Looking-out-the-Dwindow-Dwinnie!
Short-Story-E!
Caribbean-Haiti-Lady-Dwinnie!
Reggae-groove-Dwin!
Blogwine!
Smartwine!
Dwine francophone!
Worldwine!
Top-of-the-City-Toronto-fluffy! (=> CN-Tower-MD!)
Thinking-Ed!
Likes-mommy-food-MD!
No-Dwin-like-THIS-Dwin-Dwinnie!
Extremely-tiny-little-Minnie-Dwinnie!
3-brothers-1-Dwinnie-Dwin!

....I bet you didn't even know how many Dwinnies you have inside yoursself...and the list could go on and on!

Have a good day! Kiss!
Falk

So Cheesy...
God, I have some good friends. Thanks!

Depressed

2007-04-03T08:59:00.000-04:00

I'm so tired... No matter how much sleep I get, I feel tired. I think I might be at the beginning of a depression. I have no motivation at all, except to sleep.
This is bad timing and I can't wait for my friend to come to wake me up.
Please help!

One day off

2007-04-01T14:30:00.000-04:00

I'm taking the rest of the afternoon off.
My dad left this morning and after the daddy's-little-girl period, I'm exhausted.
I cancelled my study session with my study partner.
I'm not going to cook. I will eat fruits only for the rest of the day.
I'm listening to music and staying in bed until tomorrow morning.

The first three months of the year have been particularly busy.
A few hours off- just to rest and not think.
I already feel better.

I've done a lot of things with my dad- which deserved a post.
Meme is coming on Friday. I'm so excited. I can't wait.
Bye for now!

The Picasso's

2007-03-29T21:56:00.000-04:00

Someone left a message on my cell today. I heard it and got my answer. Answer to a question that I've been asking for a long time. If only, I had my answer before. If only, I had found my answer by myself, if only I was more careful, if only I had no heart, no feelings, no emotions. That message would have been lost, with no effect.

I texted my friends and left multiple messages. They all answered. They said they love me, they said that the world will go on, they said that I will be fine.

And Falk told me this story. The painting's story.

A woman bought a new house and found a painting in the house. The painting was strange and weird and she didn't like it. So, she threw the painting to the garbage and went to Ikea to get a generic painting. The painting she get rid off was a Picasso's.

I should have felt good about that story. Except that the morale is not that simple. The woman didn't get punished for rejecting the Picasso's. She just didn't know that she was getting rid off a treasury. And what about the painting? Maybe it just got destroyed. Maybe nobody never found it. Maybe it had no value, after all! At the end, what is your value if nobody can't give it to you.

What am I worth?

I'm hurt. I'm not crying. My tears are certainly worth more.

The meeting

2007-03-27T14:22:00.000-04:00

With R., it was quiet, calm. You know same feeling that you get when you are looking at the ocean and listening to the waves. You are dazzled by so much natural beauty, but also, you feel useless, helpless, you feel like the world has no end and that the world has no beginning too and that you are just one small element of the universe.

We just looked at each other. In fact, he couldn't stop staring at me, at some point, i felt like a portrait, his eyes were so persistent, looking for my eyes, looking for me to smile, drinking all of my expressions.

And then, his palm looked for mine and we touched each other, on the arms, on the neck, on the cheeks. Nothing more. And after, we hugged, we hugged. His warmth was fulfilling, it felt as good as before.

And we talked. It was not new. We have said it all before, without saying it, without agreeing on it. Like I said it was not new. Except that there was no big promise, no big secret whispered. But there was no lie anymore. No more lies. We both knew that we had others in our lives. Others that may have been or are more important, more disruptive, more loveable, more understanding.

We knew about each other's others and we accepted them without reserve. I told him that I didn't want to screw up his relationship with the woman (same one that he was still seeing, same one he cheated on me with). He said I wasn't doing anything bad and that I shouldn't worry, he said that she knows about my presence. I told him that he had to stop being undecisive, he had to choose her or choose someone else. He couldn't keep on wasting her time like that.

When he left, when I left, it was not new. I had left before, I was already gone in my heart. He certainly knows where to find me but he understands that there is no guarantee that I will be available for him.

I'm probably more confused now. I'm not hurt, it's not worst. It's comforting, just comforting to know that somewhere there is someone, there is the ONE. You may not be with this person, it may not be possible for multiple reasons, but this person is here somewhere. And it is also good to know that you can love after love, you can love after pain and moving on is not about deleting someone in your life, moving on is about chosing to do so. It's about chosing to be a whole.

Blogging reserve

2007-03-23T16:11:00.000-04:00

There are so many things that I wish I could post on my blog. I wish I could write everything, say it blatantly, without shame, without remorse, without confusion, without contradiction. However, the world is not perfect and I can't post everything. I have many reasons and if I can post the stories, I can certainly talk about the reasons for not posting the stories and maybe the missing posts will breathe from this redemption of facts.

Reason # 1: Myself: As much as I like posting and writing and growing up through this introspection, I don't want to hurt anybody with my posts. Most of the time, I post impulsively, urged by my emotions: anger, passion, sadness, joy, frustration, confusion. As these emotions are mostly triggered by my relationships (work-personal-family life), I do criticize/destroy/flatter some of my encounters. I used terms like jerks, "con", "idiot", clown, "narcissique", and etc... And more than probably, these encounters do read my blog and recognize themselves and are not too "happy". Well, I don't like to make anybody unhappy. I can't sleep knowing that I hurt someone's feelings. So by not posting everything, I'm protecting my stability, my peace, my life and certainly my privacy.

Reason # 2: Family: My parents do read my blog. My dad read it frequently and discussed it with my mom or my bros. I've tried to stop him, but it doesn't work. He enjoys reading it since he wants to know what is going on in my life. I do think that parents are not supposed to know everything or they wouldn't be parents. Part of my culture is to respect parents, protect them, cherish them. I do think that I should protect my parents from disappointment. I do think that I should preserve their trust and affection ( I know they will love me forever), but I also know that they would not understand everything. Parents are parents and they will remain parents, no matter what.

Reason # 3: You: You may asked who is "You"! You are probably my special reader, someone that I want to keep around me, someone that I want to remain faithful, someone that I want to be part of my life, part of my future, someone that I want to hold, kiss, touch. You are probably the ONE and I don't want to scare/mortify/hurt you. I don't want to lose you. I don't want you to judge my confusions, my contradictions, my errors. I don't want you to condemn without a trial. I don't want you to escape. And, so you shouldn't know me through a blog. You shouldn't know me through my angers, my losses, my frustrations, these passing minutes of annoyance. But I want you to take your time, look at my eyes, go to a movie with me, invite me to diner, read, smile with me. I'm not saying that these postings are big lies. No, they are not. They are part of me, they are me, but just a little part, just the frustrated, angered, agitated, depressed, impulsive cliche of me. So my advice to you: if you want to know me better, don't read too much of my blog, but invite me to the museum.

Reason # 4: My feelings: I do like to be read, I do like to write about myself. There is something orgasmic about it. About knowing that someone is penetrating your mind, raping you, reading you, analyzing you. Sometimes, the person might not get it. Sometimes, the person might judge, condemn, share, understand, laugh, smile. I do like creating these feelings, these criticisms, these opinions. I do like knowing what you think about what I think, about what I've done. This may be a sickness. This may be too crude, too invasive, too exhibitionist. Thus, I'm trying to control this exhibitionist side of myself. I used metaphors when I want to say it crudely or I just don't say it. I don't want this passion to develop into an urge for social approval. I don't need anybody approval or judgement to live, to survive, to breathe, to act instinctively or reasonably. I don't. Consequently, my reserve is aimed at safeguarding my self-confidence.

There are so many things I would like to talk about. So many things going on in my life now. Intense, confusing, challenging, great, exciting, sad! I wish I could post about them. I wish I could share my feelings with the world. But the world is an imperfect place and I'm one of its imperfect creatures.

Written on March 26,07

Passive-Interrogative

2007-03-22T13:00:00.000-04:00

There is a thing line between depression and passivity. I've been finding myself really passive lately. Not passive-agressive, not passive-quiet, just passive-interrogative.
And most of my questions are linked to that passive-depressive state of mine.

Like for example:

I would ask myself:

Q: Am I happy?
A: I don't know. Maybe.
Q: How come I don't know?
A: What is happiness?
Q: Don't have everything to be happy?
A: What is happiness?
Q: Don't I have a challenging job?
A: What is happiness?
Q: Don't I have a caring and loving family?
A: Is that enough for me to be happy?
Q: Don't I have nice, wonderful, interesting friends?
A: Is that enough for me to be happy?
Q: Don't I have an interesting, fulfilling life ?
A: Come on, stop kidding! Does that make you happy?
Q: Aren't you meeting interesting persons, men?
A: And after? What does that have to do with happiness?
Q: Aren't you lucky enoug? Most people don't have all the good things that you have?
A: I'm lucky enough. Is luck a criteria for happiness?
Q: So, am I unhappy?
A: I don't know. Maybe.
Q: How come I don't know?
A: Well, what is unhappiness?
Q: Are you an orphan? Are you homeless? Are you alone on earth?
A: No, no, no!
Q: So WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
A: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!!!
Q: SO MAYBE THAT'S MY FUCKING PROBLEM.

And at this phase, I just go back to my drinks with friends or to my conversation with less-than-probably interesting person or to my spreadsheet or to my phone-conversation-with mommy.

When I was 7 years old...

2007-03-15T10:28:00.000-04:00

Sophie turned 7 yesterday. When I asked her last night: "How old are you now?"
- She answered: "I'm 7 now, Doudou! I'm a big girl now!!! I'm getting old. That's what my mommy told me."

I just can't understand it. A couple of years ago, I was playing with her, singing to her, trying to convince her that she should stay in bed, feeding her, changing her diaper. And now, suddenly, she is 7. I don't get it. Where have I been while time is going away? My cousin is 7 now and she was just a little thing, so cute, so scared.

Shock and denial. I remembered my year in Washington and how close I was to that little girl. I remember I told her my deepest secret so she can close her eyes and sleep. I remember my long hours of babysitting and popcorn with Ally McBeal.

Sophie is 7 now. And i'm certainly 24. I had to recount it. For me it has been only 3 years. No M., told me, No, We haven't talked for 5 years. I remember my long hours on the phone with M. I remember we said that we were going to be together. And I meant all of it. And I haven't seen M. for more than 10 years now. 10 years. It seems like yesterday, our first meeting. My coup de foudre! First one, I was 16 and we just saw each other, couldn't stop staring. And that's it! I remember, my mom was driving me home, traffic was heavy. I was tired and I closed my eyes and I asked God to tell me who I was going to marry (silly 16-year-old girl). And when I opened my eyes, M. was crossing the street just in front of our car. I remember that I cried after when he left and I realized that I will never see him again. Weird!!! I've met someone twice, just twice and now this person is history. I was 16. It was yesterday, his voice on the phone... so deep, so intense, asking me when we were going to see each other again. Probably never, M.! Probably never!

I remember when I was 7 and my first communion. I remember that my mom made my dress. She designed it, she put pearl on it and "dentelles" and "nervures". White dress, so simple. I remember I didn't want the dress, I wanted to go buy one in these boutiques. I was punished when I said that I wouldn't wear this ugly-dress. I remember my curly hair, the ironing at Mme Pierre and my mom telling me not to sleep on my hair. Sleep on your face, you want to look great for your first communion. You want to look great when God is coming into your life. I remember the party, the "akra". But what I specially remember is how much punch I drank the day after, fruit punch and coktails. And I slept long hours in Suzanne's bed. It was yesterday, or the day before, I was just 7. I remember the shoes, shiny shoes... They were too big. And the socks, nice white socks... and I got to run everywhere with my white dress. I got to play with my cousins, run everywhere, and hold my cousin R. hands. My grandmother was wearing this beige suit and talking with everybody. She was so proud. And my mom with her hair, her smile. She smelled so good.

I remember, I used to lay on the sofa and I used to close my eyes and just dream. I was dreaming and I was 7.

Happy Birthday Sophie! I wish you wonderful dreams.

Confusion of Abundance

2007-03-12T17:51:00.000-04:00

I've said it many times: I'm confused- so confused- too confused. I explained the situation to my friend and she qualified my sickness of "Confusion of Abundance".

Abundance!!! There is a biblical connotation to this word. Whenever, I hear it, I portray Jesus giving food to thousand of people in "La multiplication des pains". I also see oceans, forests, animals, bar golds. I compare abundance to wealth.

I haven't chatted to Eniko for more than 3 months. She lives in Hungary. Our brief-but-deep friendship in France has certainly given her a proper insight of my emotional agility. I remember that she always used the correct cliche to describe every situation or person. She thought that one of our friends looks like Britney Spears and the other one like Barbie. She has really strong-repulsive ideas about certain things but was never too shy or scared to express herself.

She talked about her relationship today and compared it to "Lynette and Tom" from Desperate Housewives. I forgot to tell her that maybe the season that they were giving in Hungary was probably updated and that such comparison was kind of "risque" due to the known the future of this iconic couple. I'll let her discover this by herself and hopefully, her couple will be more resistant.

Should I use Eniko's term "Confusion of Abundance" or my mom's judgemental title of "La dame aux camelias".
- The first exagerates an infinity of choices. So many choices that you don't know which one to choose.
- The second is a scenario about the lack of choice. No choice at all, so you go with the flow. I've seen the play last year in Montreal and seriously, I don't think that "La Dame aux Camelias" was given any choice. She didn't have to choose, but she got rejected many, many, many times. Meaning that rejection, death chose her.

I do not want to be "La Dame aux Camelias". I do have the choice. The choice of not choosing when I'm not given any good choice. The point is not about choosing, but about choosing right. That was my answer to Eniko. But she said that I could do an approximative good choice.

But well, there is no approximation, no accomodation for me. It has to be right!

Untitled

2007-03-08T13:18:00.000-05:00

I need to find a method to stop making myself miserable.
It's like I'm refusing myself joy and calm just because I want to reach felicity.
I do know that felicity doesn't really exist...

I need to stop complicating my life.
Complications are tasty and exciting.
But, they can be quite tiring too. Tiring to manage and to assume.

I need to learn how to just live for the moment, the minute, the second.
I need to stop thinking. Give a rest to my mind.
PAUSE MY MIND.
AND LIVE.

The biggest challenge of not having what you want is not knowing what you need

2007-03-06T14:44:00.000-05:00

Why is God playing with me?

2007-03-04T19:49:00.000-05:00

God, listen, I'm not a toy,
I'm not a doll, I have feelings,
Feelings that are as volatile as alcohol,
But are still feelings.
And sometimes, God,
Sometimes, it hurts,
It gets confusing.
I'm confused.

God, listen, I'm happy.
I know that I've asked for it.
I've asked for answers,
I didn't want to create more questions.
I thought I knew everything.
Again, You proved me wrong.

Why are you playing games with me God.
Why? Why? Why?
I'm unfaithful, weak, wicked, amuzed.
I like it all, too much, maybe.
I like knowing that I am alive,
Knowing that I can be as powerful as I want.
However, You are a bigger player.

I'm not asking You to stop. No, No, No.
I'm enjoying it too much.
I just want answers, God...
I want to know why...
I want to understand.
So, you can continue on your game,
Just explain me the rules.
Please!

Pensees decousues

2007-03-03T17:01:00.000-05:00

I thought for more than 2 minutes about a perfect translation for "Pensees decousues" in English, I couldn't come up with anything. F*** my English vocabulary is so limited.

Thanks God for showing me the way home last night. Thanks the Holy Spirit for guiding me. Thanks to the Virgin Mary for keeping me strong.

I will never forget it.

Please, people don't make me feel guilty about things I didn't do.

Nothing can't fight attraction.

When I tell the truth, I feel bad. When I lie, I'm confused. Because, I can't explain my lies or their justification is bigger than me, bigger than life, bigger than the truth.

I don't think I'm beautiful. I'm not. So, stop lying.

I know that there is a man in the world that knows how to touch me.

I should definitely stop having rhum and coke. It makes me insomniac.

I did extremely bad at my cases today. I would have failed that exam again if they had given me the same cases.

I want to be away after that exam in July. I wish I would not feel guilty about spending money that I don't have. I wish I had more money.

Why is he so empty, so boring? He never has anything to say.

I'm liking my new Dell laptop.

I don't feel tired. I feel dead.

The Last King of Scotland

2007-02-27T23:31:00.000-05:00

I went to see the movie this afternoon. Following, I had diner at Hemingway's.

Movie was great, great, great, great. Forest did a good job, a manipulator, a dictator, a player, a smart ass, a murderer, a humorist.

I got to remember Haiti. Haiti and Papa Doc and BabyDoc. I got to remember that I don't know my grandpa. I miss home.

I'm stressed......

2007-02-27T14:40:00.000-05:00

Can you feel the pressure? It's starting to get to me right now.

When a door closes, another door opens!

2007-02-24T10:50:00.000-05:00

I should never forget that. The world is certainly full of opportunities and I should learn how to cease them.

E. left. He couldn't handle my inconsistencies or my contradictions. I don't think that friendship try-out is working. Friendship involves understanding. Friendship involves emotional compassion, Friendship involves sympathy. E. is missing all of that. In fact, I see him as an egoccentric, selfish opportunist. He is a nice person, yes, I agree. We never had any argument, he avoided them.
But nice sometimes is not enough. Nice is judgemental. Nice is saying, well, I don't get you, but since I don't have any choice, I'll accomodate myself. He didn't come to visit me. And I didn't offered my help from the beginning to house him. He ceased it. I was nice and I said, OK, I can be a friend and give.

First minute, he looked. He asked. He investigated. And he didn't like anything. I was boring. I never asked me the right questions. He was right and I was wrong. Men were calling me. Men were chatting with me. What about your reputation? Have you become a player? Mmmm!!! Where did you meet him? At work!!! So you do that now. Online? What? Are you crazy? Mmmm!!! And he forgot.

And I was tired. Impatient, frustrated. I wanted to go home, he was enjoying sushis with a new friend- asking me to come by. Wow, think about it!!! I had a long day, stressing day, I have a big headache. I don't want to go to Chinatown, carrying a heavy laptop, just to listen to ppl talking about nonsense (upps, sorry). I'm probably not the scientist that he wants me to be, I'm not intereste into mathematics, physics, astronomy, etc... I'm dumb, a dumb accountant, auditor, down-to-earth and my only fantasy is to dream myself as a free-spirited flower. I don't get abstract math and all the theories and I do think that the world will be less complicated, better without people trying to overanalyze everything, even my mood.

At the end I was suffocating. Silence, silence, kills it all. I wasn't happy, I'm not happy with him being my friend. I wasn't happy with him being my boy-friend. I think I'll prefer to stay away from him. I think I understand now. Some people are just not meant to be in my life and I should keep it that way. No matter how nice, they are. I should have listened to my friends and my parents.

The F@#$ is going on around here?

2007-02-22T10:16:00.000-05:00

I'm housesitting for R this week-end. She's going through a divorce right now. She finally had the courage to move on from the loser. I remember her tears and desparation and it's good to see her smile like that right now. While I'm housesitting, I am also dogsitting. She is the mommy for the most incredible doggy in my opinion. He's so cute and he's so human. He cries when I have to leave, jumps around when I come home, pees everywhere, has no aim whatsoever. He makes me want a dog so bad. He can do tricks and it seems that he understands when I'm talking to him. On another note, the boy came over yesterday with some drama that I've only seen in the movies. T's ex stole his credit card and knew his bank account number and started spending that shit. Oh yeah, he didn't find out until yesterday and he was pissed off as hell. In the end, it seems all he wanted was me by his side and my company. In any case, this morning when I woke up, I was super pissy. Don't ask why. I'm not too happy right now at all. I feel that there's something missing. Something he's not telling me. And I think he might go ballistic if I did something to him.... I don't know. It's like S and L said, something is missing.

This is our year

2007-02-21T14:20:00.000-05:00

No matter what people say or do, no matter what the mistakes will be, this is our year Edz!
Sorry I've been away, I don't even have a proper excuse. But i can give a shor recap. I've decided to keep a good perspective on everything this year. So much is happening around us, it's crazy.
I have to say that I started my year with a bang, with the most important people in my world: my family and my best friend. Yep partied the whole nine yards in florida and then went to see Edz to do the same thing. While I was there, I met Y and I did like him and his personnality but oh well....... Maybe whatI saw was misleading. Here's the interesting part of my life right now. I started going out with T in september but I never overthought about it. You know, I've been burnt so there's nobody that's going to catch me saying you're the one anytime soon. I decided to relax, take it easy and under no circumstances, let my heart get into the game. Well, when I got back from Toronto, it was still nice but it started to feel like I have a boyfriend. We had fights and I wanted to break it off more than once. Some stuff he did reminded me so much of N, I was like hell no! Not going to take this shit! In the end, we always made up and he made it up to me. Still, I didn't think it or even believed I was in a relationship until the sunday before V-day, he let me know that he's for real. Besides the jewelry, I got wined and dined. To top it off, on V-day, there was a terrible storm and I didn'teven go to work. He cme through because it was our first V-day and he wanted to celebrate no matter what. Some stuff he does make me melt and at the same time, I can't get over other things that I've seen in my life. Oh well........we'll see where this goes. This is my year, I will stay positive.

Unposted Draft

2007-02-21T13:45:00.000-05:00

September 28, 2006
After two weeks in TO, after two weeks without any post or comment, without a word, a silence, it's time to talk. I've missed my blog, I've missed blogging, I've missed my time and I've missed my own laptop.
I just got a call from FutureShop Ottawa telling me that my pc was ready for me. I just can't wait, but I'll have to wait. I'll have to wait to post this too. In the meantime, I can write, I can store, I can post and I can comment.
I just hate the fact that I have to busy myself with my thoughts. I would just prefer to kill time with little acts of insignificances, like agreeing a TB or vouching POs. My client is slow in TO, my manager is overworked and I'm a nuisance, lost and expensive minutes in a surcharged schedule. So, I'm left alone with my thoughts, with my silence, with my hunger. I had a salad and parmesan chicken today. Not enough. E. had a fruit salad. Not enough, but we had food at home and we are probably spending too much money in buying while we can just survive from what we have.
After two weeks in TO, nothing has changed. Nothing. I'm still outstandingly confused, lost in my confusion and my inabilities to reach and preserve my dreams. Which dreams are "lost in translation". I have a huge desire to eat a "gateau aux fruits renverses", a special cake from Marie-Beliard in Haiti.
It is really hard to kill 3 hours, you need creativity, creativity and audacity to crucifiate hours and times. I think I was sent in Toronto to kill time. I was not particularly busy in Ottawa but I had little tasks that I felt happy to accomplish, they gave me a certain purpose, a certain goal. I had to come in Toronto to realize that I have lost my interests and my goals, I'm left naked, alone, cold. I need justification, I need challenges.
I'm tired. Why am I tired? I'm not even sure. Maybe, my late nights, maybe, my emptiness, maybe my laziness. Or maybe just nothing and everything. And nothing is enough to destroy me. I just called at home, Alain loud voice was enough to put me K.O. It is a general state of decay. It is probably PMS. It's hard to know. In addition, I have a heart/head- ache. I'm nauseous (please don't imagine anything).

I give my heart

2007-02-20T18:20:00.000-05:00

This is what bored/annoyed/overworked auditors do at the end of the day. They write cheesy poem.

Enjoy!

I give my heart, my heart to you strangers
I give my heart, my heart as a thank you
For opening the doors, this morning
For stopping your cars to allow me to cross the streets,
For smiling at me, looking at me.

I give my heart, my heart to the nightmares,
I give my heart, my heart to the anger, the hunger,
I give my heart, my heart to the lost escapades,
I give my heart, my heart to the forgotten scenarios
To the spiders swallowing my dreams.

I give my heart, my heart to the review notes
I give my heart, my heart to the annoyed accountants
I give my heart, my heart to the sections,
I give my heart, my heart to the testing.

I give my heart, my heart to you,
I give my heart, my heart to you ignoring me
I give my heart, my heart to you not listening
I give my heart, my heart to you not knowing
I give my heart, I give my heart to you.

You may not want it,
You may break it,
You may destroy it, explode it, vomit it, crucifiate it, flush it, defecate it,
You may not accept it,
But my heart is here, beating for you...

Escribitionist

2007-02-19T17:43:00.000-05:00

Escribitionist
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
An escribitionist is a person who keeps a diary or journal via electronic means, and in particular, publishes their entries on the world wide web. The word was coined in June 1999 by Erin Venema, an online diarist, in the course of a discussion on a mailing list for web journalers. At issue was how to distinguish web journal authors from keepers of traditional paper-and-ink diaries.
The word comes from a combination of the English word "exhibitionist" and the Spanish word "escribir," meaning "to write." (The latter is cognate to the English "scribe"; both come from the Latin scribere.) It also evokes the marketing gimmick of using the letter "e" as a prefix to imply a link to technology and electronics, although that was not intended.
Coined before the widespread use of weblogs, the word escribitionist is often used to distinguish diary keepers on the web from weblog authors, whose writing often involve far more diverse styles, perspectives and subjects than those used in personal journals. While a weblog author may engage in journaling, or reporting, or political commentary, an escribitionist is focused on personal experiences and reflection.

Luxurious couch, carpet, paper roll and sauce

2007-02-18T10:04:00.000-05:00

A while ago,
On a snowy, windy day,
D. decided to visit K.
K., apparently interesting guy,
From a durnk Saturday night perspective
Has been inviting her for a long time to his new apartment.

D. dressed up warmly,
Took subway, Took bus,
Despite of snow storm,
Ended at K. doorstep.
Hehehe, K. opened door.
K. sat in luxurious brown leather couch,
In front of enormous Plasma TV,
Watching decorating show.
K. didn't talk, ignored D.

Finally, K. talked about curtains, brown curtains,
About how he paid too much,
About how he should get other ones,
To make apartment more luxurious.
K. finally gave the grand tour to apartment,
Big bed room with Bombay furnitures,
Satin sheets, wow, D. frowned.

D. was starving, D. remember K. said that he was going to cook,
Cook them a nice diner.
D. rememberd K. about his promise.
K. told D. to do the dishes, to start preparing.
D. was confused, she could have done own dishes at home,
She didn't take subway and bus to do the dishes of Narcisse.

D. picked up phone and ordered food.
D. paid with her own credit card.
D. waited for food and D. shared pizza and wings with K.
K. embarrassed offered D. to share the bills.
D. said No, just buy me a drink whenever.
K. was upset. D. was triumphant.
D. asked for napkins and towels,
K. didn't have any.
He had the luxurious tv,
He had the luxurious couch,
He had the luxurious curtains,
He had the expensive wine,
He had the expensive beer,
But, surprise, no napkins!

A Roll of toilet paper, cheap one
Wss brought to the table.
And don't tell me that you never used
Mr Roll to help with the eating issue
In your Thirld Word Country, added K.
Probably answered annoyed D.

The slices went fast.
And by the D. start cleaning...
Blue Cheese sauce, Hot sauce...
On top of the empty box..
And CATASTROPHE.

Blue Cheese Dip, Hot Sauce, everywhere,
On expensive brown leather couch,
On expensive bison carpet,
On expensive ceramic table.
What a mess!!!
Silence, Silence...

D. grabbed the roll and started cleaning.
K. said, no, I can do it, took the roll from her,
And continued the cleaning.
Delicately, lovely, passionately.
At the end, no more paper, no more mess.

D. said bye and took the bus, the subway
And walked back to her home,
While K. was ordering new curtains online.

Value Day

2007-02-14T22:20:00.000-05:00

So Valentine's day, again.
Again, this year, I was on my couch,
Alone, with sushis, laptop and remote.

Woke up in pink comforters this morning,
All white outside, white snow, white storm.
Text message from a black clown, dark mistake.

Day, day, no choco, no kisses, no hugs.
Watched my show, watched my shows,
And clown got clumsy, calling, called.
Wanted to say Happy V'day.
Wanted to invite me out (where, Pizza Hut?).
Didn't do it (what a surprise!)
Because wasn't up for another mistake (Ooops, I did it again).

WTF, Frustrated, so fucking frustrated.
This is my value day...
I do Value myself, I do Value my ego.
So, I deleted, I blocked, I valued.

Full glass

2007-02-10T14:02:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was discussing with my mom about how sad I was to learn that R. was thinking about getting married. Her answer was: "Don't worry! La nature a horreur du vide!!!" I told her : "What does it have to do with the price of eggs?" (Thanks to Wy for this South African proverb).

I've been thinking about nature and its consistency. I've been thinking that emptiness is a word with no meaning. It is a prison-word. Because, nothing is really empty because what is empty is filled with emptiness. Not want to sound to philosophical. Just reality check.

January, I was waiting for the New Year... alone, with my family, my bros, my cell after sending/receiving automatic wishes.
January, I was talking to my best friend, complaining, laughing, despairing and trying to make sense of life. I was telling her that Y. could be perfect, and she thought the same. She was telling me to go easy and I was trying to go easy.
January, I didn't go easy. Just do it (Nikely said). Just did it!!! And after,..., I knew that Y. wasn't perfect. Not perfect for me.
January, my birthday and I decided not to take any resolution for 2007, except to pass my UFE exams. I'm just going to live (not survive) and treat myself fairly. I started talking about treating myself fairly in 2006. This is my new concept that I'm trying to explain and experiment at every second. Again, this is in continuity to my 2003 resolution to "Always Love Myself Better than everybody and everything".
Treat myself fairly? I probably should come with a definition for this term. I will not do it. I can't, not now, now when I 'm still learning about fairness and myself. However, I can say that "treating myself fairly' includes that I'm not hurting myself or not letting anybody do the same. Still in the same idea, I'm not putting myself in risk (to get hurt). I decide and choose what is good for Edwine, for my personal/professional/sentimental/social growth. And only Edwine (only myself) knows what is best for Edwine.
I chatted with Nounou during the week and she reminded me what I told her about her boyfriend: "he chose to love you, he chose to get hurt!". Why did she have to remember me my exact words. Did she mean that I couldn't find love because I was not allowing myself to get hurt, because I was constrained (by my own order) to treat myself fairly? Not at all... by treating myself fairly, I'm avoiding myself disappointment, I'm not avoiding love or relationship, not at all. I'm just choosing to keep up with the relationships that allow me to grow and that are positive to my emotional health.
January, my glass was full. So full that water spilled on the carpet. And for my birthday, I decided to give myself the best present of fairness: emotionally get rid of Y.
February, just the beginning. I'm not perfect. You have to taste the sea-water twice to decide if it is too salty. I tasted again, I tried, a second chance to reconsider fairness. Still not working!!! Funny, Kaz!!! Funny! Funny! You should have heard it. I'm becoming good at it now. Good at treating myself fairly!

February, such a short month. I do prefer to take it easy. Just like you told me Kaz, Mom, Nounou, Tina, Thalia, Falk, everybody. I'm taking it easy and treating myself fairly. My glass is not full, not empty. I just have enough water/juice/punch/soda to satisfy my thirst. Just enough!!!

Kaz, call me about the metaphors.

For the other optional readers, good luck in trying to understand.

"La nature a horreur du vide."

2007-01-24T19:03:00.000-05:00

Birthdays

2007-01-21T22:43:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to Kaz!!!
I know 2007 is going to be YOUR YEAR! Our year!

By the way, get your ass back into blogging. I miss you ...

6 hours before 2 0 0 7

2006-12-31T17:58:00.000-05:00

6 heures avant 2007.
I'm just laying on the couch, with my tv shows, feeling restless, useless, stupid and ... I don't know.
My last day for 2006 has not been so glamorous. I wake up with this anger, anger against my family, my life, my everything. I'm mostly angry because I didn't finish my year like I wanted to do it...
I went to church... Anger just grew to rage. I was just tired of being nice to people... I've been too nice in 2006 and I deserved a few hours off--- just a few hours to be unreasonably mean to the only persons that are always nice with me... my parents. Mom, Dad, you know better than me how unfair life is.

I went to bed with Barak Obama's book... started on the first chapter... Democrats and Republicans. Interesting... Made me angrier and hungrier. Out of starvation, I came for food and found my family so welcoming. They didn't ask me to do anything and I installed myself on the sofa with my soaps.

E. called and I didn't really talk to him. I know now that he is not my real man. He just couldn't handle my "secheresse" and escaped. Poor guy!!! I just hope that he will understand sometimes and stop running away.

And again, a new year... 2007. The last one died so fast. I didn't even had time to breathe or to grow or to realize that I grew .
2007 will be my year definitely.
I'm not going to take any resolution now. I'll think about them, think until my birthday.
I want to be happy in 2007 and I'm going to be happy. Happier!

Happy NEW YEAR ... to all of you.

About my 2006 resolutions? Results...

2006-12-30T17:59:00.000-05:00

My 2006 #1 resolution: Go to the gym (at least twice a week) and be able to stay in shape (115 lbs).In addition, I will take care of my person, try to look better (please grow some hair and stop cutting them), start caring about what I wear or how I smell, I will take time to have a decent make up, take time to get my nails done and to match my clothes. I will not wear my comfy and unsexy jeans and t-shirts unless it is absolutely necessary. I will take care of my skin (seriously) and go on a healthy diet ( I will stop eating all that crap I’ve been eating lately- control the ice cream, the chocolates, the candies, the wings, the pizzas) and eat more salad.

Wow, that was huge. I don't know how much I have achieved this year. I do look good and better. I take more time and more pride in looking good when I'm going out. I'm still not being the impressively dressed sexy woman, but at least, I look more pleasant now. And what about this new hairstyle. Amazing!!!
I'm not eating as much crap as I used to eat before. No more gummy bears or chocolotes, and certainly less ice-cream. Gym??? Time is an issue... But I registered for a hip-hop class that should be starting next week. And I have the gym at home now... so no more excuses in 2007.
5/10

My 2006 # 2 resolution: Laugh every day this year. I will not let any stupid people get me mad or too serious. I will not let my family or my friends drive me crazy (in any case). I will not let anybody from the opposite sex hurts my feeling. I will not cry for anybody this year, only in case of death or some other natural catastrophe. I will stay as detached as possible and not get too emotional or sad about “what I can’t change”.

I have been pretty happy this year. Happy when I failed, happy when I was alone. I was never too devastated and didn't let anybody hurt my feelings. If my feelings were hurt, it was because I wanted them to be hurt. Just a way to control my growing ego. I didn't cry more than twice this year. And I'm proud of this achievment. 7/10

My 2006 # 3 resolution: It has to be about my new job. Just SHINE and do whatever I have to do professionnally and perfectly. Remember that I want to become a partner (in maximum 15 years).Also, study for this professional exam in May and pass it with the highest grade possible. (Wow, I didn’t even open the books yet).Something also important is to be opened and friendly with my future coworkers. I know it is to get rid of my reserve and my shyness in new environment, but I want to invest and make it works this time.

I passed the first exam in May, didn't pass the second one. Also, I transferred to Toronto. New city with more opportunities. I love my job, I love my teams. I met some interesting people and this is my biggest achievment for this year.
8/10

My # 4 resolution: Be more independent, more mature, more selfish and free-spirited. Again, I shouldn’t let anybody or anything stops me in achieving my goals. I should always and only think about myself when taking any decisions. Don’t let any “guilt talk” or “praying eyes” distract me from my desires. Whatever, that doesn’t mean that I will kill my morale or my sensibility. I will remain the nicest daughter and the sweetest friend whenever it is possible. Nonetheless, I will not love anybody better than myself.

Hehehe, again, I think that I did good with this resolution by moving to a new city, away from my parents. I'm still not totally emotionally independent, but this is a lenghty process and I'm working on it. I'm definitely learning how to love myself better.

Still having these loser feelings sometimes. I know that me coming back with E. was a stupid move. I know also that all the time that I spent with him, I was trying to ignore a part of my personality, I wanted to be different, I wanted to be someone else. And it is great to have failed pleasing him.

8/10

My 2006 #5 resolution: Take time to pursue my hobbies and my passions. Meaning that this year (2006), I will update and finish that poetry book, participate in the “Short Novels competition (deadline March 14) and win the first or second prize (I won the 3rd prize the previous year so no need to even think about being 3rd again). I will also finish that book (wow, i’ve been writing that crap for more than 3 years. I will continue with my personal blog and come out with creative ideas. I will have find time to paint and find a painting class (even though, it will be hard to find one). I will also return to piano (re-learn the basics- and be able to play decently just like before).

Sorry!!! Didn't do anything in this area in 2006. I sent my novel for the contest, but it was too extreme and it was a bad "coup". I didn't write any poem and I neglected my blog also. Time is not an excuse. Laziness is the cause.
I painted a few pieces in 2006. But that was only a periodic envy. Not too proud of myself. I didn't read any great or challenging books also. I will do better in 2007.
2/10 (for the paintings).

Finally,My # 6 resolution: I will not let anybody or anything keeps me from achieving my goals this year. I will not find any excuses for myself or for anybody who may crack up my bottle. And yes, I will always treat myself fairly and keep myself happy in every circumstances. I will be happy in 2006 – no matter what.

I was happy in 2006... no matter what. I discovered new faces in my personality, I met new people, I moved to a new place... I'm proud of the person I became in 2006. And yes, I didn't do anything that I should be ashamed of.

This week, I...

2006-12-29T17:49:00.000-05:00

1. Drove back to TO with my bros.
2. Counted Gold and Platinum bullions at a secret vault in a secret location. Just like in the movies.
3. Went to a NBA - Raptors game. Surprisingly, the Raptors won.
4. Drove back to Ottawa with my bros and drove over 140km/hr. Hehehehe!
5. Didn't submit my timesheet. Bad! Bad!
6. Bought tons of jewelry. New coats. New bag. New shoes. And other useless products.
7. Didn't call E.
8. Talked to R's dad.
9. Talked to all of my best friends.
10. Ate my dad's foods.
11. Watched (probably illegally) "Babel" and "The pursuit of happyness".

My friend told me: "You are wonderful woman. You just fucked with the wrong guys!!!"

2006-12-26T22:18:00.000-05:00

Why is he not calling? I can't wait anymore!

2006-12-12T20:16:00.000-05:00

SADNESS

2006-12-11T19:56:00.000-05:00

I met S. for a drink on Friday night. Nice guy, enthusiastic, "bout-en-train", couldn't stop moving, talking, looks comfortable in his skin.
We talked and I looked into his eyes. SADNESS, all over. I was petrified, surprised, lost in this ocean of inconsistency.
I asked: Are you happy?
He answered: No!
I asked: Why?
He took a breath, thought and said: I didn't achieve my dreams. This is not how I was dreaming my life.
Silence. At this point, I regretted my questions since I know that I've been lucky enough to fulfill all of my dreams. My curiosity wasn't satified.
I asked: What were your dreams?
He said: I wanted to be a naturalist. And he started talking about animals, the image book that he had when he was five years old, all the different species in North America. He couldn't stop and it was like I was transported to an enchanted forest.
When he stopped, I asked: What does your mom think about that?
He looked at me, tears in eyes: My mom died when I was thirteen. She had breast cancer.
Wow, what was wrong with me? I screwed up and asked all the hard questions. I was really mad about myself at this second.
He started talking about his support group, the therapy that he was experiencing to get over the death of his mother.
And I saw a sad man accross the table. A sad man sharing a beer with me. A bitter man. One who was looking for a reason to be happy. I closed my eyes and heard his unspoken prayer. I saw all the pain and I decided that it was time for me to go back home, to my safe loneliness.
I said bye. He asked for a kiss... I gave him one "sur la joue" and I escaped.
I just knew that I didn't want SADNESS to be part of my life. Not now!

2006-12-10T22:57:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you want someone to call you, and no one is calling. And you don't want to call because you don't want to be the one calling. Vicious circle...

Devil's Martini hooks up

2006-12-10T18:28:00.000-05:00

Friends and I went clubbing to Devil's Martini last night.
Over 25 crowd. Good crowd. Professional, Grads, and Wannabees.
But what is more important: Beautiful people.
They could be fat, short, fake, torn, but they were all beautiful at the Devil's.
Turned out to be a good night for "la peche".
Friend of Friend met someone interesting and quite handsome.
And the new friend introduced us to another friend,
Who seems to be quite interesting and handsome.
Anyways, by the end of the night,
Friend of Friend was making out with new friend,
Friend of new friend was just being friendly.
Friend was being drunk and completely out of control,
Matching everybody with nobody.
The point: I left at the end (3ham) with friend of friend who was overwhelmed by new friend.
Hold on, friend of new friend asked for my phone number, which I gave with quite detachment.
ok, ok, I was in bed... 4 am... phone ringing. New friend of mine calling to say that he was sorry
For being just friendly . Sorry for being shy at the club. And will call soon for coffee and more.
I said good night. Have some great dreams.

Nothing is more heartbreaking than my mom' tears

2006-12-05T21:10:00.000-05:00

I went to the hospital to stay with my mom today. She had lost a lot of blood and they had to give her some during the surgery. She was pale, she was shaking, she was suffering, she was crying; I wanted to disappear. I found myself so powerless when my mom is crying. Lately she has been crying a lot, menopause, premenopause, or just a mild depression, or again her sickness. And I've been avoiding these unbearable minutes. I moved away, I'm moving away, to another town, to another emotional island, to my space, where her tears can't reach me.
Although today, in the tiny hospital room, I couldn't escape. I had to face her tears. I had to face her fears, face her sufferings, face the fact that my mom can be like a little child, my mom wanted a hug, my mom wanted me to touch her hair, to caress her like a baby. That's what I did. I applied some lip moisturizer on her dried lips, I brushed her hair, I hold her hands and I smiled at her. I told her that everything was going to be fine, I told her that I was here for her... and she fell asleep. And I realized that I wasn't thinking about my broken heart, I wasn't thinking about my job, but I was thinking about my mom, the real love of my life. Love that is constant, overwhelming, eternal and unselfish.

2006-12-03T23:29:00.000-05:00

I hate these words: " YOu will be fine". It is just like telling you to shut up. I hate it so much even though I know that the person is true, I will be fine. Except that in the moment, I don't want to be fine, I want to be sad, I want to be unhappy, I want to cry, cry to my loss. I just lost someone really amazing in my life. He decided to go away, to experience new things. We were happy, he was happy, I was happy, but I wasn't enough. He wants to experience more, he wants to cry, he wants to go. So, I told him : "go for it!" while I was dying inside. So It's not going to be fine. Not at all, certainly when someone you love decides that you are not enough.

I realize that I've never met a guy that knew how to make me laugh.

2006-12-03T23:06:00.000-05:00

My list

2006-11-27T22:19:00.000-05:00

So this is THE LIST,
THE LIST !!!
EDWINE'S LIST.
For the perfect man,
My perfect man.

1- Should be deeply in love with me: meaning in love with my "braces" smile, in love with my mood swings, in love with my volatile temper, in love with my virtuous family, in love with my feet, in love with my acne, in love with my wrinkles, in love with my fascinations, in love with my contradictions, in love with my breasts, in love with my little belly, in love with my inconsistencies, in love with my fears, in love with my lips, in love with my writings, in love with my accents, in love with my dreams, in love with Edwine, in love with Francoise Edwine, in love with Francoise Edwine Alphonse, in love with Doudou, in love with Doudoune, in love with Dwin.

2- Should allow me to be completely in love with him - without me feeling bad or embarrassed or scared or stressed.

3- Should be honest, always honest, definitely honest. Truth in everything. He should tell me that I'm wearing the wrong dress, that I smell bad, that I look cute, that I should calm down, ...

4- Should be able to stay silent with me for more than 10 min (without yawning or complaining)- should be able to laugh in our silence.

5- Should definitely find me amuzing (even when I decide that sleeping is my first priority after a romantic diner and wine and burning candles). Should just cuddle with me and start snoring...

6- Should always use me as a Happy thought!!!

7- Should think about me at least 10 times a day for more than 10 seconds. Should send me sms like: " I saw a pink car today, I miss you", or "Remember that time you farted!", or "Come here now, I'm so horny!" or "Class is boring!", or "What do you want to eat tonight?" or "Smile, I love you!' or just " I hate you for making me that jealous" or again "Wear that red panty tonight!".

8- Should have dreams, solid dreams, not illusion. Should be enthusiastic, not bitter. Should be an optimist, should have humor, irony. Should be strong.

9- Should know that I'm the ONE. Just the ONE. Not perfect, but perfect for him, just enough to satisfy him and ... Should not want to be with another woman other than me.

10- Should definitely know when to give up on a fight. Should know when to be possessive, jealous, egoccentric, narcissic, envious.

11- Should let me hurt him and heal him. Should not hurt me for no reason.

12- Should be proud of himself. Should respect family and have strong values.

13- Should definitely believe in God, even when having an orgasm.

14- Should have a career and be serious about it. Should be passionnate about whatever he is doing. Should do everything with all his heart.

15- Should know that everything in life has consequences.

16- Should like sunset and sunrise.

17- Should think that the best seconds are always shared.

18- Should always ask himself "What would Edwine think if ...? or "How would Edwine feels if ...?"

19- Should be shy! Should be arrogant! Should be abusive! Should be gross! Should be annoying!
Should be exciting!

20- Should be himself around myself.

I'm feeling so cold now. I'm cold and sad. Sad and not crying. This is worst. What is worst is that I don't know how to feel. I don't know if I should

2006-11-21T00:06:00.000-05:00

call him, yell at him, shout at him and tell him that I don't want to lose him.

Today

2006-11-14T22:27:00.000-05:00

After more than 6-7 years, I found a pic of my first crush, online, in his bro's proflie. I commented on the picture: "Just hi from Edwine".
Also, I saw the honeymoon pics of my ex online. They look happy. I wasn't envious. I didn't comment.
And my boyfriend called me and I told him about the pics.

Oh God, I need attention... It sucks... I need affection. Too much!

2006-11-09T20:27:00.000-05:00

Taxicab rents

2006-11-04T21:07:00.000-05:00

I like taxi drivers in Toronto. They are colorful, colorful as a collection of postcards. They are comforting. I don't usualy like driving to airports, but Toronto's drivers know how to make my trip worth it.
My Indian taxi driver wanted to give me his phone number. He said that I was cool and that he could see himself cooking for me. He said, "Let's go clubbing, together! I'll buy you cold beers. So you want that number?" Taxi driver gave me seductive look but I left the number in the backseat of his taxi.
-------
Ghanaans are the happiest on earth. I know this. I experienced this. My roommate was Ghanaan, she was happy, smiling, happy even when she couldn't pay our rent. Happy and sad, but just happy. So, I got my Ghanaan taxi driver. And he told me how he was frustrated about the westernized love for animals. Understand, he is from the jungle, jungle with lot of animals, racoons, rats, deers, he used to eat them all. So, why does he have to stop his giant machine and let the little funny doggy cross. Why can't he kill him and go home and have a barbecue. He doesn't get it. He doesn't get America, He doesn't get the Whites, treating animals better than humans. He asked if I have a dog? I said no... A cat? No... He told me: "Don't get an animal, get a man".

--------
Just arrived in Toronto. I need a taxi. A van. A very cute taxi/van driver. Middle-aged, East-European (maybe). Going downtown. Address. He is listening to Whitney Houston... same song, all over, over again. Same song... "The bodyguard". I know it is the first movie I saw on big screen. He is not talking, he is sad. So sad. I feel sad, so sad for him. A turn, another turn, he picked up his Toronto map. No question ask. I'm home. I asked for a receipt. He gave it to me, his hand was shaking and he didn't look at me.
--------

19 years in Canada, never a vacation day. Vacation - this - word is not in my dictionnary. Not for me... and who is going to drive the taxi. Taxi doesn't drive by itself. Taxi needs me... No vacation for me Miss. Pakistani taxi driver, old man, clean man... so energetic. He took my luggages, heavy luggages, he opened my door and he told me not to worry. "You will be on time, Miss. ... 19 years, believe me, I know. I asked why he doesn't want a vacation. Are you crazy, Miss, God will be mad at me. No vacations. A father can't take vacation unless two daughters are married. I need to arrange marriage for my daughters first. After, I will go to Mecca. $10K, that's how much you need to go to Mecca. But daughters need to be married first before I can take a vacation day. My children, 3 children, 2 daughters, one son, all in university, Miss. Education, it is everything. Nice, educated children. Money, Pfffftttt. You are a billionnaire, if you are son is a drug dealer you are not happy. If your daughter is a prostitute, you are not happy. I need to marry my daughters, Miss, before I can take vacation.

Do you believe in God, Miss? Do you think God gives life? What about death? God, Bush, Harper, which one is the most powerful? Tell me Miss? Which one? Bush!!! Ahahah... see Miss, you are in time, a lot of time to take your plane.

So this is the end of 2006?

2006-11-03T15:31:00.000-05:00

I had great hopes for this year. Not all of them have materialized but I guess there is a start to everything. And of course, things have been a little rocky for everybody. I'm offically a teacher for this semester since I'll be teaching the whole semester because the guy I'm replacing is still in rehabilitation. My love life is nonexistant to say the least. And it's getting cold. Lol. My dad just had surgery on his eyes and I hope things are getting better. I'm behind with my bills. I'll start my list with the things that were most memorable to cheer me up. Right now, I'm shooting for a sexy kiss, that's all. TTYL!

2006-11-03T15:30:00.000-05:00

I want a man who will make my heart skip a beat and romance me the way I should be romanced.

2006-10-29T16:18:00.000-05:00

I want a man to accept me for the person I am and the person I am not.

Falk's perfect first date

2006-10-18T09:30:00.000-04:00

Goooood morining Minnie-Dwinnie,another tired morning for you? Or already really awake? I have to be there at 11:15 today and I got up quite late. Now I won't have time to wash my hair or eat breakfast, so I guess I'll always try to keep getting up one hour before I have to leave. I like what I had on monday morning. My date monday evening was very nice and I hope it'll slowly progress the way it started. She enjoyed it, too, and we'll see when we find time again. We had a coffee, a longer walk through the city, and lots of conversations from 18:00 til 22:00. She offered to drive me home but it feels very weird to be driven home as a guy by a date so I said maybe next time and that was fine with her. She has many night shifts and a tight working plan and I have a lot of work, too, and that's why we couldn't find a right date for next time yet. She is still waiting for her new schedule but, funnily, she brought up about seeing eachother next time. What can I say? I don't let it get overly close to me cause that would make me vulnerable, yet but she is beautiful and has a deep and nice character, so naturally I would welcome it if she became eventually the reason why I won't have to spend the winter alone. I think I could love her, which I didn't feel with the other dates. But of course it is way too early to feel such things yet. But if not then that will also be ok for me. It is too early to "depend" on anything or anyone. She did flirt a bit and if I am not totally dumb then she did show me some signs of sympathy. To sum it up: Of all dates I had in the last years this is one of the most promising ones. I am always sceptical with these things but since it felt good for me and for her I am willing to drop that scepticism once things get along well and some clear structures come about. What is comforting is that she didn't do any of that "we can always be good friends" stuff, which usually indicates that girls want to make sure it doesn't get too hot besides a friendship. On the other hand, if the friendship comes about AFTER things got deep then that is nice and works well. (As you probably know yourself.) I will tell you more when there is more to tell. Of course I can also tell you more details of this date but that requires more time.
Well, I must leave for crystallography class right now.Have a good day and right now hold still for some big DWINNIE-KISSES you\'re getting from me!Until later...Falk",1]

Well, I must leave for crystallography class right now.Have a good day and right now hold still for some big DWINNIE-KISSES you're getting from me!Until later...Falk

How to find a needle in Toronto

2006-10-15T19:51:00.000-04:00

I spent my whole morning (more than 5 hours) trying to find a needle in downtown Toronto. I went to the Eaton Centre. I went to the Bay on Queen St. I didn't find anything. It was mindly challenging, irritating, pain-assing. I felt so frustrated, so crushed. I walked, I asked smiling customer agents, walked, went downstairs, upstairs, no needles. Anywhere.
I just didn't undestand. So Toronto-nians don't know how to sew, they don't repair their clothes, they buy new ones.
I gave up on my search. I went walking along Yonge Street. I found a present for my boo. And I found a discount store. One-dollar store. And I was able to buy cheap needles, two little skinny needles in a cheap box. The last one in the store. So, I can repair my $50 shirt and look fresh for work tomorrow. Cost: $1.47

What I have been doing this week

2006-09-28T16:35:00.000-04:00

I took the train
To go to the training.
I sat on a table,
With 4 other intermediate auditors
In search of intermediate passion.
I did wbls,
I passed many by omission.
I failed the others just by error.

I sat on a table,
I listened to two ladies,
Two ladies with hair
And a Gentleman in a chic suit.
Ladies talk about controls, roles and airs.
Gentleman didn't try to lies
And confirmed possible poursuit
To the inestimable.

With 4 other intermediate auditors,
I compared my attributes,
I shared my learning,
Complained about the food,
Disagreed on the understood,
Crucified all auditing
Techniques-Tools-Alternatives
And vomitted all apprenticeship.

Marry me!

2006-09-22T09:46:00.000-04:00

Even though I don't go to school anymore, I'm always in school by 7 am. The thing is, I've been pulling all nighters: I'm trying to grade 50 different things and hand them back and it's taking a while for some reason. I need discipline. Today, a guy asked me to marry him. It wsa the funniest thing.
"Are you married?"
"No"
"Are you single?"
"Yes"
"Marry me!"
Lol. It was so funny. At least a guy that doesn't even know me wants to marry me. Oh boy! I'm missing not having a boyfriend, the weather has changed and it's gotten really cold recently. I want to cuddle, snuggle and bundle up with a nice human cover.
In other news, being a teacher is great when you see the kids understanding. It really troubles me when they don't but all I can think of is with 25 per class, you can't expect everyone to get it. Oh well, oh well,....TTYL!

Failing, Failure, Failed

2006-09-15T22:30:00.000-04:00

I'm a complete failure this year. I'm failing everything, tests, exams, opportunities. Why is everything so complicated, so hard, now? Where is my edge? I'm trying, trying, trying hard. But the more I tried, the more I failed. And I'm feeling bad so bad. It feels bad to feel like a failure.
Another problem is that my surroundings don't know how to react around failure. They don't know how to deal with me failings. They don't know how to support me. Maybe, I should just disappear... but again, it's so hard to disappear. It's even hard to cry, even hard to pass a simple road test exam. I want to cry. I have so many reasons to cry tonight. I'm even failing at crying, no tears.

Dating again!

2006-09-01T16:52:00.000-04:00

So I'm really dating again. So far, I've been on four dates with different people each time. It was nice and fun and everyone knows the deal. One of them was trying to convince me really hard that I need to give love another try because I'm so beautiful and I have a good heart. Lol. That was the most funny thing I ever heard. It's nice and sweet but pointless on me. In any case, my friend is set me up with one of his boys. That was fun but somehow I'm getting the impression that my friend is not too happy that we had fun. I'm getting an attitude and everything. What's going on here? I tell you, you can never know what's going on in somebody's head.
On the positive side, I will be teaching for half of the semester. IT's crazy and nice at the same time. My students are going to give me hell but we'll see how we will be able turn things around. ttyl